Internal Shifting

It was amplified by a picture...

My sister posted a picture of herself online and it is really pretty.  She is pretty anyway and the photographer was excellent.  It made me want to be pretty.  

I have a long way to go to become attractive.  I would like to start on that road, so that 6 months from now, I will have made significant improvement.

There is a lot that is going on internally.  I am in emotional pain right now.  Some of it has to do with my physical appearance.  Some of it I referred to in a previous post that is poetically titled "My Friends and Family Kinda Suck".  I think that I need to :"purge" some of my friends/associates.  There are some people in my contact list who rarely, if ever, initiate contact with me.  Actually, there are quitte a few of them.  I need to let them go to free up space for those who will actually reach out to me from time to time.  It will be kinda difficult, but I know that ultimately, it will pay off.  Part of my problem is that I have been expecting too much from people and I have to lower my expectations.  It seems that most people are pretty self-involved.  I know that I can be too!  I have to create some loving distance and redirect time and energy that had been spent on others on God and myself.  Maybe God is pruning my relationships and helping me to see that He is my main support, although we do need support from others.

Instead, I choose to focus on my relationship with God and improving that.  I also choose to focus on the positive internal and external changes that are going on in my life.  I am learning how to still myself and calm down.  When I do that, I am able to be a lot more productive too.  I feel more peaceful and it is a great feeling.  It seems like God is increasing my confidence and abilities, because I have finally started to believe in His ability!  I believe that He is paving the way for me to obtain some long-desired things.  I think that I have to really begin to speak more about what I want than about the pain in my life.

Purpose

I saw a movie today that is based on a true story.  It chronicled the life of a man who eventually became a butler at the White House and served under 8 presidents (I think).  I cried throughout the movie, but it did have some funny and touching moments.  The director compared and contrasted his life and struggles with the struggles of the US and they intersected quite a bit.

So many emotions came over me during the movie.  I almost feel like a raw, open nerve that feels pain most acutely and the protagonist endured a lot of pain.  A lot of the movie took place during the civil rights movement and the apartheid era.  So much suffering and pain endured.  It made me realize that I am soft, spoiled, and acting entitled.  For a long time, I just wanted to live a regular life and be happy.  Now, I wonder if I could be happy living a regular, normal life.  I wonder if the life that I am called to live is to basically sacrifice myself for the good of others.  I know that I have been thinking about my legacy lately.  I know that I want people to be better off for having known me.

I feel like a struggle is taking place in my soul.  My desire for a "safe" life vs my purpose to make a huge positive impact on others.

Dealing with Negative Feelings

It is Friday night and I am at Starbucks by myself.  I have been making an effort to start the weekend with quiet time.  Tonight, I listened to some music and surfed the web.  Eventually, I began looking for resources for self-esteem and confidence.  Just looking for the resources has brought some repressed feelings to the surface...

It began one morning this week, between the hours of 1am - 3am.  I was enjoying a magazine.  I used to read tons of magazines just a few years ago, and I really enjoyed them.  It was a great way for me to get engrossed in something other than my brain.  I haven't enjoyed reading a magazine like that in some time and it was really refreshing.  One article that I read made me burst into tears because I connected so strongly to it.  When the writer talked about the compassion and encouragement that her mentor gave her after confronting her about her drinking problem, I eventually realized that I am STARVING for encouragement.  I just now realized that I cried because even though she messed up, her mentor loved her still.  I have been afraid, since I was a kid, to show my real self, especially my weaknesses.  If someone saw how much I messed up, they wouldn't love me anymore.  I eventually believed that God was the same way and it totally hindered my relationship (my ability to have a relationship) with Him.  How wonderful to have someone love you back to wholeness!

I feel like God is whispering to me that I need to feel better about myself.  This is the key to my life improving...

I need to start having fun.  I don't do anything for fun anymore.

Tonight, I realized that I am scared, anxious, and verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry frustrated about my current life situation.  I need to pour my heart out because I am constantly on edge and not relaxing well.  How can I improve things starting right now?

Financial Challenge-Ugh!

I had a really good morning.  I ended up going to get a bagel before work.  I did some planning, praying, and reading.  I definitely enjoyed the quiet time that I had before work.  Work was pretty good until I went too long without a break.  I went out to lunch and when I came back, the receptionist had a message from me. It was a bill collector.  I was embarrassed, but mostly it felt like the wind left my sails.  I got another call from the same company, and ultimately made arrangements to begin paying them back.  It took its toll on me emotionally.  I dragged the rest of my shift, and didn't do most of the things that I needed to do.  I was physically tired, too.  It was being confronted about my financial resources that was emotionally draining.  I picked up some dinner and ended up crying in the parking lot.

I think that I need to just lick my wounds, and allow this to become a motivator for me to increase my income significantly.  I got rid of my Sunday errands for the next two weekends so that I can focus on improving my entire situation.  I have got to create some positive momentum and accomplish some tasks. Tonight, however, I am tired, so I think that I will just rest and relax.

Confession and Positive Impact

I was on the phone for quite a while yesterday.  I talked to my friend H.  We had a great conversation.  She has been dealing with some anxiety and I was really concerned about that.  I told her about how God really worked things out for me and she seemed to be encouraged by that.  I talked to my bestie, but I wish I had just let the call go through.  Ugh.  I talked to one of my sisters for a long time.  I had not talked to her in a long time, but we had a really good conversation.  She suggested that I look at a minister named Bill Winston because he talks about the importance of having a positive confession.

I watched part of a video this morning about the law of confession.  Really interesting stuff!  The take away that I got from the message (or at least the part that I heard!) was that you say what is in your heart, which is what you really believe.  That is what tends to come to pass.

I have been thinking about my life and how I want to make a positive impact on people.  This was important to me even when I was a teen, maybe even when I was younger. I got sidetracked for a loooooooooooooooooong time because of depression.  Now I want my life to count in a good way again.  I want people to be better off because they were impacted by something that I said, did, or wrote.

Gratitude for a Positive Attitude

I was reading my devotional Jesus Calling this morning.  Today's post is about gratitude, so I have decided to blog about a few of the things that I am grateful for.

Yesterday was a long day.  I got to work around 8:30am and didn't leave until about 7:05pm.  I was not physically tired or emotionally drained!  That alone is something to shout about!  In the past, I could only work about 4 hours/day and would need to go home shortly after to rest/sleep to be more alert when my husband came home!

My supervisor gave me a really neat compliment.  She told me that I remind her of one of her friends.  She went on to say that her friend was really smart, but unpretentious and funny.  That made me feel really good, because she made her friend sound really awesome!  lol

My co-workers helped me with my work because I had a lot to do yesterday.  Most of the people that I work with are really great, and I like them a lot.  We do get things done, but we usually have a great time doing it.  There is one guy there that cracks me up!  I can be grouchy and in a really foul mood, but he can say one thing and have me laughing and that will turn my mood around instantly.

The company is growing and many times it can be hard to get access to a computer.  One of the rooms with 3 computers was open most of the day, and I was able to camp out in there and get much of what I needed done on the computer!  Not only that, I was able to access the computer with speakers and listen to some great (in my opinion) music.  It really helped to listen to that music.

I had a lot of running around after work and didn't get home until around 10:30pm.  I still wasn't tired!  I logged onto my computer and worked on a job application!  Although I didn't finish it in time to submit before the deadline, I still consider it progress because I have a complete application on file for another position that I plan to apply for, and I finally updated my resume.  I finally completed some actions regarding job hunting!!!!

I went to sleep around 12:30am and was awakened gently around 4:45am.  I don't feel groggy or anything like that.  I have some errands to run before work, so I will sign off soon.

I am just amazed at the wonderful things that God blessed me with yesterday!  I hope that today is just as great or even better!

Reporting to Spiritual Boot Camp

It is about 2:30am here.  My sleep schedule is thrown off, but I don't mind.  I like the quiet and darkness of the early, early morning.

After my last post yesterday, I was up until about 4am.  I rested for about 1 hour and then I got up and went to work.  I got sleepy when I had to do computer work (okay, I fell asleep-and lightly snored!  Oops!), but overall, the day went really well.  I wasn't dragging, I got a decent bit accomplished, and my mood was good!  It felt like God and I had an encounter last night and He enabled me to have a really good day on very little sleep.

I think that God is calling me to Himself.  It seems like anytime I try to get some support from someone, they start to disappear.  I remember when I was in college, He did the same thing.  I didn't realize what was happening though and I didn't surrender to it.  This time, I think that I know what is going on.  It is still painful and difficult, but this time I know that I need to follow through.  Maybe He is equipping me for something significant.

This might be a time of solitude that might lead to a transformation.  Maybe I will eventually live up to my potential.  For so long, I have sold myself short because of depression and not being successful.  I believe that as long as I trust God, and consistently co-labor with Him, He will enable me to be victorious, in spite of the fact that I have been camped out in the land of defeat for many, many years.  This new life may not be easy, but I believe that it will be good.

Right now, I am listening to some music and will probably have some quiet time with God before beginning some work on my life plan.

Making Positive Changes and Matters of the Heart

Writing the "Friends and Family Kinda Suck..." post really helped.  My head is clearer and I can move on to other things...

I have been thinking about making a HUGE career change.  I have been seriously thinking about scientific sales.  I like science and I like that I wouldn't be behind a desk all day.  There is potential to make a great living.  I could accelerate my financial goals, which would be GREAT.

I also realize that sales can be demanding, and I have to start taking better care of my emotional right now on order to withstand the pressure.

I have also been thinking about grad school.  I had a failed attempt a long time ago that really lowered my intellectual confidence.  Yet, I still yearn to have advanced degrees.  I thought that I had suppressed this desire, but it keeps coming up to surface.  I need to talk to God about the things that I really desire in my heart.  I hope that I can have them.

Even though Friday and Sunday were tough, Saturday was good.  I was able to map some things out regarding my goals.  I think that I will draft a 2 year plan and start making progress, even if it is small, each day.  When I talk about the things that I want in my life, I can feel a positive internal shift in my body.  I feel like a butterfly crawling out a cocoon.  It is such an awesome feeling, like I am finally reconnecting with the college version of me before the depression hit.  I feel optimistic, like good things are possible.  What an awesome feeling.

I started reading the book I bought for my Kindle app because I like the author and the Kindle edition was only $1.11.  It is titled "How to Be Happy Where You Are: Finding Fulfillment".  This book helped me to recognize my longing to complete a graduate program only by the 2nd chapter!   Very engaging and well written.  I think that I will go and read at least some of it now.  I hope that I will continue to gain clarity from it.

PBS Special on Depression

FI watched a DVD I got from Netflix about depression, called "Depression: Out of the Shadows".  Although it was hard to watch at times, I thought it was informative and really well done.  They selected a wide range of people who are being treated for depression to show that it can affect anybody.  Really interesting research into brain imaging that is leading to more effective treatments as well.  One in particular was intravenous ketamine.  The patient said that shortly after administration of the drug, he not only felt better, but he felt so good that it was as if he had never been depressed!  Groundbreaking treatment on "area 25" in the brain are helping about 55% of people with treatment resistant depression.  The whole research on area 25 is really interesting.  Apparently, this area is linked inversely to motivation and being able to carry on with living life. When area 25 is active, the prefrontal cortex activity is diminished.  When area 25 is less active, the prefrontal cortex is able to function more efficiently.  Fascinating!  I highly recommend viewing it.

My Friends and Family Kinda Suck...

This week has been tough, and it only got tougher as the week progressed.  Friday and today, Sunday, have been really difficult.  I spent most of the day with my family.  I started out the day with my brother.  Most Sundays we go to church and then run his errands.  I love my brother, but I find him to be emotionally draining.  I work to keep myself on an even keel, but he is high strung and has road rage.  He believes a lot of conspiracy theories which is a little unsettling as well for me.  After that, I went to see one of my sisters.  I enjoy spending time with her superficially and she is easy to be around in that respect.  She is not sympathetic regarding my mental health.  Many times, she doesn't even take it into account.  A few years ago, I grew deeply depressed and just stopped showing up for week.  I ended up in the hospital.  She told me that I abandoned my job.  What makes this especially difficult to take is that she was the one who had me admitted to the hospital!  Her support of my mental health issues has been inconsistent at best.  I think that she is uncomfortable with the thought of either mental illness in general (even though she worked for years at a mental hospital) or my having mental illness.  Regardless, she is uncomfortable with it, so she just doesn't acknowledge this.  I finally realized today that she does this in her own life.  When things make her uncomfortable, she buries it and distracts herself.  Finally, I went to see my niece and drop off some resources that I thought would help her.  I ended up talking to her and realized that I had become very negative.  Her own mental health is not good right now, so I should have left before I did.  I know that she is young (25 yo) but something bothered me about her views.  I really don't think that she has a very good opinion of me.  That hurts.  She does love me, but she doesn't really examine things beyond face value.
The family that I didn't see today has issues as well.  My other sister is verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry depressed, but she seems unwilling to try to get help.  She is waiting to die.  I used to talk to her very often but after I started working 40+ hours a week, I couldn't and maintain good enough mental health to work.  Heck, most of the time I was physically tired as well!  She can't really see past her own misery right now.  Her daughter is a trip and really upset me because she treated her mom, my sister, very disrepectfully.
What I realized today, is that I am feeling alone and unsupported.  I have made significant deposits into people, like my best friend and family.  Even when I was depressed, I would still try to help people by listening to them.  Now that I need that kindness, it is like people are too busy or they don't have the emotional wherewithal or worse, they attempt to make withdrawals from my depleted account.  I really don't want to shut myself off from my friends and family, but I am really hurt by lack of or extremely limited support.  I will have to get some support so that I can get back on track.  I need to find a counselor.  I also plan to distance myself from my friends and family and just have a more superficial relationship with them.  I will have to focus on other things that are more positive.  I am seriously thinking about moving to another city or even state, because being this close to my family is really painful right now.

Time to Fuel Up Emotionally!

The signs have been there, but I have not been paying attention at all.  I didn't realize I was becoming depleted until I stilled myself for morning quiet time.  It was then that it seemed my soul shouted at me that I need to eat "soul food"!  I can see it in retrospect now: overeating (for comfort), not reading anything nourishing, almost imperceptibly growing irritability, feeling overwhelmed.

I have been sleeping a lot today, but I truly need the rest.  I have only been getting about 5 hours of sleep during the week while working over 10 hours each day.  I had planned to go "balls to the wall" this weekend, but I think that am going to leisurely get some things done.  I do need to make some progress toward my goals.  After I got off from work last week, I didn't do much to advance my life.  I think that I will work around 9 hours a day so that I have more energy for my own life.  I am becoming frustrated with the lack of progress toward my goals

Also, I really want to be in a supportive, romantic relationship with a man.  I have been daydreaming about one man in particular, especially when things are kind of overwhelming.  I need to blast myself out of doing that because it is not good for me to waste so much time and headspace over that.  When I am daydreaming excessively,  a good thing for me to do is to take notes from my daydreams.  I know that sounds weird, but I usually daydream about the things that are missing in my life.  Right now, I feel lonely, so daydreaming about this particular guy fills a void temporarily.  What I need to do is to see how I can alleviate feeling that way in real life.  In my daydreams, I am thin and well-dressed, so I need to start working on weight reduction.

I am going to relax with some magazines for the next couple of hours.  After that, I will probably call a friend.  Starbucks might be in my future tonight and/or tomorrow.  At some point, I need to make some plans and follow through on them.  I almost forgot the most important thing-quiet time with my Heavenly Father!

Change your clothes, change your life?

I did some online browsing at clothes yesterday.  I would really like to update my wardrobe some so that I can look as nice as I can right now, even being obese.  I will see how to make this happen, because improving my appearance can have a positive impact on other seemingly unrelated areas of my life.

Time to Put Faith in Action

There are changes that I want\need to make in my life.  The ones that I am focused on for the rest of this year are for:

*physical health (weight reduction)
*career change (increase work satisfaction and pay)
*business relaunch

In order to carry these out, I have to incorporate spiritual and personal development into my day as well.

As is often the case when trying to do something productive, I have become aware of distractions.  One of the biggest distractions is the loneliness and emptiness that I feel.  Other distractions are tiredness, laziness, and some degree of self-loathing.

Aside from prayer, I have to focus on attaining what I want and need.  I guess another way to address it would be to see what I can do to lessen or eliminate this loneliness/emptiness.  What I cannot do is allow it to hinder me from making progress.

I also have to make sure to support myself spiritually and emotionally while I make these changes.  I will make out a rough draft of a plan for that and I will flesh it out later.  Right now, I have some desire and a little momentum built up to begin to usher in some of these changes and I will take advantage of it right now.

Good things

Time has really gotten away from me!

A HUGE work issue has been resolved.  I thought that I was going to get fired because I couldn't maintain the stamina necessary for a 12 hour shift.  I also thought that my supervisor didn't think that I was doing a good job.  I finally prayed about it and went to sleep.  The next morning, two of the supervisors offered me a chance to move to a less demanding schedule because they thought that I was doing a good job!  Woo-hoo!!!  So happy and relieved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also realized that I can do more on my income than I thought that I could.  That has helped to relieve stress as well.  So grateful!

I want more out of life though.  I know that I need to be more active so that I can have more out of life, but it is difficult right now.  I am always so tired.  Sleep apnea and being obese are definitely contributing factors.  It makes it hard to get things done.  I think I will have to be better at prioritizing and just pushing through.

I am looking at making a career change.  I need to pray about that though.

All in all, things are good and I know that they can definitely be better.  I feel like I am able to see possibilities in my life.  The next step is to realize them!

A Prayer from My Heart

Dear Lord,

I have messed up.  I need You.  I hope that You are still with me.

I want to live the abundant life that You talked about in the Bible.  I have been sleepwalking through life. Please help me to arise from my slumber.  I want to go "all in".  Please show me how to go all in and help me to be willing and obedient.

Help me to be more generous and loving, especially towards You.  Please fill my heart with compassion, kindness and mercy.  Please help me to love You more than I love myself.

I need to learn how to spend quality time with You.  Please help me to "fuel up" during my time with You.  Also, please help me to discern clearly what You are saying to me.  Give me ears to hear and a discerning heart and mind.

Please help me to deal with my fears in the right way.  I pray that You would get the glory from the awesome answers to my trials.

In the name of Jesus, AMEN

Adapt or Die

I almost don't know where to start.  I have felt so many negative emotions today.

I have a secret filthy habit.  I know that it is wrong, but I have engaged in it many, many times.  I know that it is wrong, but I do it anyway.  I am being selfish and sinning grievously in the worst possible way but at the time, I simply don't care that much about the consequences.  I just want to focus on what I want.

I have tried to stop.  I have gone without for a few days up to about a year.  I have always gone back.  I feel bound and defeated, like I have failed so many times.  Then I think, maybe I don't want to stop.  I just don't want to be done with it.

In addition to this ongoing sin, I am continuing to sink.  I am starting to drown. I feel empty and detached a little.  It seems that people are kinda counting on me to make deposits in them.  I am weepy.  Money continues to be an issue.  It seems like  more and more bills come up while my money is not even meeting my main obligations.  I am starting to feel discouraged about my ability to support myself, dig myself out of this hole and build a better life for myself.  It seems like everything is stacked against me.  I make things worse by sabotaging myself.

So many challenges and it feels as if my strength is waning.  I don't know if it is exactly my strength waning as I just feel overwhelmed and want to give up.

Even with all the things that I mentioned above, there is a (small) part of me that wants to meet and overcome these challenges, just to see if I can.  If that is what I am going to do, I need to pray and then come up with a game plan.  I think that it is time for me to go in preparation of formulating my fight plan.

The Need for Peace

Well, it has been an interesting week and it is only Tuesday!  I have already kind of crashed and burned physically...

Monday, I went with my brother to run some errands.  I went to visit a friend afterwards and ended staying there until after 11pm.  I had planned to leave at 7pm!  I will have to guard my time better.  I got home late and slept late.  That kind of threw me off for the rest of the day.  I ended up breaking my commitment to hang out with my sister today.  I felt bad about that.  I really try not to flake out but that is what I ended up doing.  I also neglected to finish cleaning my apartment.  I am having such a tough time doing that!  I have to finish that by tomorrow morning so that I don't have it hanging over my head and I can relax and enjoy the day.

Although I have been spending time with people, I think that they are people who are lonely!  I love them and I care about them, but they have been taking more than they have been giving and I am starting to feel depleted.  I didn't realize it until just now.  I need to be rejuvenated.

Spiritually, I need to spend quality quiet time with Jesus.  I need His guidance and His help.  I need His peace.  I pray that He would quiet my mind and spirit so that I can effectively commune with Him and hear clearly.  I could feel myself growing anxious and being unproductive.  I talked to a friend today and she mentioned how she needs peace.  She also talked about living one day at a time.  These were great reminders of things that I need to do.

There is more that I would like to write about, but I think that I will hold off for now.  Will try to blog tomorrow after meeting with Jesus.

Ending the day...

I am feeling a little anxious about all of the things that I listed that I need to get done.  I am (kinda!) working on living one day at a time.  I think that I will do some things tonight, maybe three:  get the distilled water for the CPAP machine so that I will sleep better, read a chapter out of one or two of my business books, and make up a tentative schedule for the next few days to get things done.

Have a good night!

Mapping out my improvement plan for the week...

I really need to see what help I can get.  I am still unmedicated and not in therapy.  I am also so tired.  This week, one of my priorities is to see what help I can get.  Another one is to continue looking for a job.  I have some social events planned, too.  I hope that I don't stretch myself too thin.

I am really emotional and it still seems like I am having a tough time with self-sabotage.  There seems to be a big disconnect between where I am and where I want to be.  Sometimes, I begin to think that maybe I can't attain my big dreams, but I can't entertain those thoughts.  I do have to take a look and see why I am not moving forward.

I finally got a paycheck!  It wasn't a lot, but it has definitely helped.  My brother loaned me about $200 which helped TREMENDOUSLY.  I didn't have to take out a payday loan after all.  (Plus I had some "complications" getting one.  I have GOT to work on my finances!)  There was a lot of drama with getting that check cashed but I was finally able to do it!

Brainstorming about what to accomplish this week:

*Medications

*Job hunting and applying

*Cleaning my apartment

*Refreshing myself/rest/rejuvenation

*Spending time with friends and family

*Start working on my business relaunch

*Contact creditors

*Pay bills

*Laundry

*Maybe a movie by myself

*Work on life vision (ideal life)

*Meanwhile plan

*Cook healthy meals

*Get distilled water for my CPAP

*Create a tentative spending plan

I am sleepwalking through my life and I have lost so much of it already.  I need to grab the bull by the horns and do what I can to steer my life the way I want it to go.  I know that I am always tired, so I need to take care of that because it affects pretty much everything else.  I also have to work on getting some meds back into my system.  My sister told me not to make things harder than they have to be and that is what I am doing by not taking advantage of the pharmaceutical help that is available to me.  I guess I will go and map out a plan to get these things done.

My back is (seemingly) against the wall

I am about to make a bad financial decision.  Yes, I am going in with my eyes wide open.  I am going to apply for a payday loan.

I already borrowed $30 from my brother.  I really don't want to take out any loans.  I really don't.  I just need more than what I think my family can/will give/loan, especially when I owe them already.    I hope that I can improve my financial situation soon.  

Down, down, down the rabbit hole...

After feeling forsaken by God and becoming angrier and angrier about it, I finally realized that this is a mess that I made.  I have to own it and take responsibility for it.  I was the one who turned a blind eye to my own downward spiral and refused to get help.  This led to a poor job performance which led to me having to quit my job.  I continued to spiral down by not even doing a half hearted attempt at job hunting.  I acted as if I had all the money in the world!  Finally, I woke up and saw how bad my situation was.  I was able to snag a job and I was so excited for a while.  Then I did a tentative budget and saw that somehow, I am supposed to dig out of this hole and get caught up.  That sent me on my latest spiral.  That and having to clean my apartment by tomorrow evening or face eviction yet again.

My emotions have been almost all over the place.  When I felt my sanest, I realized that I am anxious about my future and I need to focus on today.  I am also the queen of big ideas and maybe this time I just need to work small and consistently to get myself out of the hole.  I don't like how selfish, self-centered, and impatient I become when I am so wound up.  There are people with situations equal, worse, and far worse than mine.

There are several things that I need to do.  I need to get help so that I can become stable.  I think that I need to tell someone in my family about how bad things are.  I have really only confided in one friend and it is not fair to have her shoulder all the burden.  I need to see if I can find a higher paying job in the meantime.  A part time gig is also an option.  Eventually, I would like to have a business!  I also have to become better at self-care (hygiene, cleaning house, eating healthier and exercising).  I also need to call the places where I am behind and come up with a payment plan to get back on track.  I have to become better about scheduling.  Finally, I have to have faith that eventually things will be okay, even if I can't see my way through.  In fact, when you can't see your through is when faith is the hardest but needed the most.

A New Direction

I have decided to take this blog in a new direction.  I want to chronicle my journey from mess to success.

There are a lot of rags to riches stories out there and many of them are inspiring.  I believe that most are written "after the fact" - you know after the difficulty has been surmounted and is in the rear view mirror.  I think that it would be much more helpful to have a resource that is written while in the trenches.  That way the pain, uncertainty, and doubt are raw and present.  Maybe it is presumptuous of me to write this while my life is a shambles and I really can't see my way through yet.  I need at least $1000 to pay rent, car note, and car insurance, but all I have is about $10 to last me until Friday or Saturday.  My apartment looks like a landfill with all the trash and crap that needs to be thrown out and this is no exaggeration.  Oh yeah, I am still obese, probably around 260 lbs with bad skin and hair sprouting in places no woman should have hair.  

I am feeling kind of discouraged and very ashamed of my situation.  My sister, who is just about the opposite of me in every way, was telling me how she did some impromptu credit card counseling with a young woman.  My face burned with shame as she told me her advice to this girl, because I am essentially the financial cautionary tale.

I do think that I have a couple of things on my side, working in my favor.  What, pray tell, could those be, you may ask?  I am tired of my situation and I have faith that my situation can change if I am willing to put in the work.

I realize that I will have to become an entrepreneur or an independent contractor very quickly in order to make any real headway into turning the tide of my financial situation.  There are some things that I have looked up that require little in the way of overhead or investment.  There is one thing that I really want to do, that has been near and dear to my heart for years.  I just don't really know what to do.

I have a lot to get done in a very short amount of time.  I have to figure out a business and thoroughly clean an apartment that hasn't seen Windex, Clorox bleach, or a dust rag in many months.

It is time for prayer...

Dear God,

My life is a mess.  I have developed this propensity, this tendency to being self-destructive.  Because of this self-destructive streak, my finances and my apartment are a mess.  My weight is at or near its all-time high.  I have not been able to get traction in these areas of my life.

I pray that you would help me to overcome this awful streak and help me to win in life.  I pray that you would equip and enable me to rise above this mess and clearly guide me into victory and health.  Finally, I ask that You would help me to continually hunger and thirst after You.  After all, You are the game changer.  My situation looks impossible, but Jesus said that with God, all things are possible.  I don't see how I can meet all my obligations, but it is written that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Although my feelings haven't changed, I know that I have to decide whose report I am going to believe.  

Please come through for me quickly!

AMEN