Hodgepodge

My therapist recommended a book called "The Success Principles:How to Get from Where You are to Where You Want to Be". I haven't gotten very far in the book, but I love it! I realize that I have got to think better if I want to do better. (Joel Osteen helped me see that) I realized that my thinking is still very negative and that I have to do some major work in order to dramatically improve my life.
I have a job interview coming up! I hope that I do well because it would be nice to have this position. With it, I would be able to start to dig my way out of debt.
My weekend project is my refrigerator. It is in bad shape! I got rid of all the food in it because I need to start over from scratch! Now I need to clean it. This is my first step in getting healthy.

Is it Depression or Something Else?

Something is not right. I have been sleeping waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much. It feels like I have lost the motivation that I had. I don't know what my problem is. I will see if I can get myself in gear. I guess that I need to look at the list that I made the last time that I felt like this. I HATE feeling this way. I have wasted a bunch of time and I really dislike that. I can't dwell on it though, because there is nothing that I can do about it. I can only move on from here.
I think that I feel overwhelmed by all the changes that I need/want to make in my life. I would like to start my own business. I also need to: lose weight, clean my place, find a job, do my hair, do laundry, clean out my car, go to group. Maybe that is why I have been sleeping so much! I have been avoiding my responsibilities. I feel like I will never get around to doing everything that I need to do. Well, I've gotta start somewhere and do something!

I've Gotta Feeling...

I have this wonderful feeling that happens more and more often. I have this feeling that things are possible as long as I work for them. That makes me excited. I am also excited because I am feeling more up to doing the work to create these possibilities than I have in a long time. I have the belief that God will help me to go on a new career path. I have talked about this new path with friends and family, and most of them have been very supportive. As my plans solidify, I will post more about it. I hope that good things are happening for you, too!

Focus!

It is very easy for me to get distracted and sidetracked. One of the qualities that I need to develop is focus.
I am reading "How Successful People Think" and the author speaks to the importance of focus as opposed to multitasking. I think that part of the reason that I have a problem with focus is that I feel like I don't have enough time in the day to complete the tasks that I want to accomplish and so I am thinking about what isn't getting done while I should just focus on what I am doing. I also need to learn to prioritize which is also tough for me. I feel like everything is important! I think I will go over the goals that I have set and see what I can do about working toward them everyday.

In other news...I quit my tutoring job! I didn't exactly handle it well, but at least I didn't get fired, because unfortunately, I think that is where I was headed. On to the next venture!

Getting a Grip on Depression

The depression got worse today, but I forced myself to do a number of things to combat it:
1. I showered
2. I wore something that I feel good in when I am well
3. I got out of the house
4. I called friends and family even though I wanted to isolate
5. I listened to music with a fast tempo
6. I read supportive and spiritual material

These steps really helped even though they were not easy. Now the really hard part comes: dealing with the issues that were spiralling me down. Ugh.

Would You Get Rid of Your Depression If You Could?

Most people, I believe, would answer with a resounding "yes"! I would too-sometimes. One thought that came to mind tonight is how I depend on depression. It keeps me from having to deal with life. People know that they cannot depend on me and thus I can remain childish in some aspects of my life. I also have an excuse for being irresponsible. I can use it when I don't feel like going to work. Maybe, ultimately, it shields me from seeing these unsavory parts of myself. I can blame it on depression and not have to really work on it. When I think of being free of depression, I can only think of the responsibility and not the energy and joy that would also come along with it.
Yet, I have to strive to at least minimize the depression in my life because I still remember the one day that I had this year that was a really good day. I wasn't nearly as depressed as I usually am and there wasn't anything spectacular about the day other than I wasn't as depressed as usual. I so wish I knew what I did so that I could duplicate that feeling. Even my chores didn't feel like chores!
Maybe I actually would get rid of depression if i could. Thinking back to that day, I believe that my answer would be a resounding "yes"!

Sounds Like Depression

I need to sort out my feelings. I think that the depression has caught up with me and I am in denial. I had to go to a teacher's meeting today and I marvelled at how upbeat and energetic they all seemed. They really seem to enjoy their work while I struggle and had the worst class ever yesterday. I plan to quit. I am thinking about calling in tomorrow because I don't want to really do anything. I am way behind in my life. My place is a mess. I am a mess. I am starting to feel discouraged about the future. I feel like I need to take an extended break and get things together but when I have extended breaks I usually don't do much that is productive. What do I do? Where do I start?
I guess the first place to start is to do what I can to keep the depression from getting worse. This means that I need to examine my thoughts and beliefs. I watched Joel Osteen and he talked about speaking to our mountains (Your mountain is your problem). One of the mountains that he mentioned was depression! Depression, be thou removed and cast into the sea!

As I mentioned in my last post, I was feeling depression nipping at my heels. It was kind of rough for a couple of days, but I feel better today. I think a large part of the problem was my unknowingly taking too much sleep medicine. I would be drowsy for most of the day and it would be difficult to do most things. That in turn would have me feeling bad because I didn't really accomplish anything.
Today, I was able to get up at a decent time, get dressed and get out of the house. I felt more focused than I have in a while and I was able to do a good bit of reading and goal setting. That felt really good. I have to break my goals down into manageable pieces so that I can really get started on them. I am starting to believe that my life can improve as long as I do the work that is necessary to improve it! This is a far cry from what I used to believe. I used to believe that no matter what I did, my life would always suck, so what was the point of trying to improve it? I even believe that God will help me improve my life, especially since the things that I want aren't sinful. I used to believe that He was against me. When I believed that, I really didn't have hope for living.
I still have auditory hallucinations. I have to be careful with that, especially in conjunction with my spiritual life. I used to think that I was hearing God with some of the hallucinations. I don't want to go back there.

After a Looooooooooooong Break, I'm Back!

It doesn't feel like a lot has changed since I last submitted an entry. A few things are different though-I have a part-time job that is challenging for me and my relationship with God is better. I work hard to have a realistic relationship with God because I don't want to slide back into being hyper-religious. For a while, I didn't want to have any type of relationship with God, but I just couldn't turn away from Him altogether.
Something else that is different is that I finally have hope that things can change for the better. I know that when I feel better (depression is currently nipping at my heels and I am trying to outrun it) then I will do better and my life will improve.
It seems that the only thing that has really changed dramatically is that my outlook on life has changed. It is, however, a big change that affects pretty much every area of my life.

Trying to Get It Together

I have been pretty depressed lately. I was in the hospital for almost a month and I wrecked my car. Fortunately, I didn't have serious injuries when I wrecked my car, but I have been without a car for a week and I need a car where I live.

I have finally started to grieve for my friend. I tried to outrun it, but it always catches up to you in one way or another. In a way, it feels good to grieve.

I don't know which way to turn careerwise. One of my friends has been helping me out, but I don't know what to do.

I signed up for an online dating service. I have been chatting with one guy in particular. He is very complimentary and I really like that.

Feeling Depressed

I am feeling depressed. I have been feeling depressed for most of the week. I stay in bed and sleep most of the day. It feels like I will never get over this! There is so much that I want out of life; will I be able to achieve those things? I don't know. I hope so though. I start seeing a therapist next week. Maybe that will help.

The Life that I Want

I went to Starbucks yesterday to work on my goals. I found it difficult to concentrate and wrote some down, but they seem so far away. I talked to a friend about it and she suggested that I cut out some pictures that represent the things that I want in my life. She has done this herself with much success. I have already started but I never finished it. I guess I need to pick it back up.

Another thing that I am going to do is to list what I want my life to look like. I am not going to think about how hard I have to work in order to get that life! I am going to pretend while I am writing that it is effortless to get this life that I want.

So here it is! The life that I want includes the following (in these categories):

Physical: I would weigh about 100lbs less, my skin would look a lot better, I would be stylish and comfortable, I would be fit, healthy, and toned. I would sleep deeply and soundly and wake up feeling refreshed.

Spiritual: I would have a closer relationship with God. I would have a better and more consistent quiet time with God.

Household: I would have a neat, clean, and calming place to live.

Mental/Emotional Health: I would have peace of mind and clarity of thought. I would be confident in my abilities. I would be stable and responsible.

Financial: I would have a very well paying career where I excel. I would pay off my debts and have a significant amount in savings. I would be able to be self-sufficient and enjoy my career. I would be able to vacation regularly. I would be able to afford a small 2 or 3 bedroom house that I furnish nicely.

That is all that I can think of right now. I guess the next step is seeing how I can obtain these things in my life!

Lonely and Confused

I am feeling very lonely today. It feels like an ache all over my body and I feel very sad. I wish that I had more friends, especially locally. I think that I will get some dinner and watch a movie that I rented. I hope that I will feel better after doing something fun.

I also feel confused and overwhelmed. I let some things pile up again. In fact, I guess you could say the theme in my life at this time is clutter! My apartment is cluttered, my car is cluttered, and my mind is cluttered with things that I need to do and questions that I have about my future. I have a lot of decluttering to do. I think that I will start with my mind and try to get some of that clutter out of my head and onto paper. Besides, I can do my mind decluttering at Starbucks! After that, I have to attack my car, my apartment, and paperwork. Whew! That is a lot but I will see what I can get done.

Bad News, Good News

A lot has happened since I last blogged. A dear friend and loved one passed away. She was a huge support for me. She knew about my diagnosis and wasn't freaked out by it or me. We talked almost everyday, usually about nothing. I am in shock and some denial. I think about her often and I dream about her. In my dream I am so happy that she is not dead but I slowly realize that she has died as the dream progresses. I am starting to feel that void as more time passes. I have asked God why she had to die, why did she have to leave?

On a happier note, I have started to tutor! I have been working 4 days a week. It is an adjustment after not working but things are going pretty well. I am tired though. I really need to improve my overall health so that I can have more energy.

I am pretty tired right now, so I think that I will sign off right here. Good night!

Encouragement and Med Change

I read an encouraging piece last night. It is a passage from "The Depression Workbook" by Mary Ellen Copeland. She talked about her journey from deep depression to a self-sufficient and relatively healthy woman. She talked about how although it will probably be more difficult, those of us with mental illness can achieve our goals if we can maintain stability. That really struck me. I tend to think that I can't achieve my goals because of my illness. According to her, it is possible to achieve them as long as I take into account that it will probably be more difficult for me than for someone not dealing with an illness and I work on achieving and maintaining stability.

I switched from Risperdal to Abilify today. Hopefully, this change will be for the better. I am hoping for benefits without the bad side effects, especially sedation.

Trying to Find Stability

I have had a tough time lately. I have had other things to crop up that are difficult to deal with. I am trying to get myself stabilized. I went to Starbucks today to work on my goals and to try to deal with things. I realize that I need to work on gaining mental stability. I need to find a new therapist and tackle the stress in my life. Sometimes it seems like I have brain "noise" that makes it difficult to focus and concentrate. I really need to address that. When I see my doctor, I want to talk to him about going back on Abilify. I don't want to keep going up on the Risperdal. It makes me too sleepy and that means I don't get up in time to go to work. I don't remember being this drowsy on Abilify and I think that it worked at least as well as the Risperdal.

One of my mid-term goals is to work a permanent, full-time job. I really need to do this and I want to do it well. I so hope that it goes well for me. I want to do what I can now to get better and more stable so that I can work full-time and do it well.

I am going to look for some resources on coping skills and see how other people manage to support themselves while managing a mental illness. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

One of my sisters is in the hospital because she had a stroke yesterday. I am supposed to go with another sister to visit her today. I'm not ready to face it. I feel like I need some time before I go to visit her. I was feeling some low-grade anxiety about going to visit her but just articulating and writing about it has calmed me down some.

Feeling Discouraged Part II

Although I hate to admit it, I think that I am more discouraged than I thought that I was. My place is a mess-I haven't made any real attempts to clean it. It seems like all I want to do is lie in bed and let my mind wander. Sounds like depression! Today, I am planning to go to Starbucks, visit my father, and do a little exercise. That is way more than I have done in the past few days.

I am concerned about my ability to work a full time job. There is a job that I really want, but I wonder if I can manage it. Since I don't have the job (yet), I can continue to sub and see how that goes. If I can manage to sub most days a week, then I will take that as an indicator of my ability to work a full-time job. If I find that I am really having a difficult time subbing most days, then I will have to re-evaluate my plans.

Feeling Discouraged

I worked yesterday. Although the day wasn't a disaster, there were a few things that happened that discouraged me.

The good news is that the grogginess has diminished quite a bit, but some still remains. The grogginess made it a little difficult to function, and it didn't go away for hours. I was tired (because of my weight) and someone got a little snippy with me. I just felt like I never got myself together and it discouraged me. I went down the path of negative thinking. I was thinking that I would never be able to work full-time and take care of myself. The negative thinking carried over into today and I didn't get out of bed until about 2pm. I feel a little bit better now and I will just have to keep going.

Feeling Not Quite Right

Feeling a little bit...off. I noticed at my support group meeting tonight. I don't really feel depressed. It is kind of hard to describe the way that I feel. It feels like the psychosis might be trying to rear its ugly head. There is a sort of seriousness with it that feels like it is trying to edge out the good feelings that I was having. I just took my medicine and I am going to focus on feeling good, optimistic, and most importantly, a sense of reality.