Feeling Depressed

I am feeling depressed. I have been feeling depressed for most of the week. I stay in bed and sleep most of the day. It feels like I will never get over this! There is so much that I want out of life; will I be able to achieve those things? I don't know. I hope so though. I start seeing a therapist next week. Maybe that will help.

The Life that I Want

I went to Starbucks yesterday to work on my goals. I found it difficult to concentrate and wrote some down, but they seem so far away. I talked to a friend about it and she suggested that I cut out some pictures that represent the things that I want in my life. She has done this herself with much success. I have already started but I never finished it. I guess I need to pick it back up.

Another thing that I am going to do is to list what I want my life to look like. I am not going to think about how hard I have to work in order to get that life! I am going to pretend while I am writing that it is effortless to get this life that I want.

So here it is! The life that I want includes the following (in these categories):

Physical: I would weigh about 100lbs less, my skin would look a lot better, I would be stylish and comfortable, I would be fit, healthy, and toned. I would sleep deeply and soundly and wake up feeling refreshed.

Spiritual: I would have a closer relationship with God. I would have a better and more consistent quiet time with God.

Household: I would have a neat, clean, and calming place to live.

Mental/Emotional Health: I would have peace of mind and clarity of thought. I would be confident in my abilities. I would be stable and responsible.

Financial: I would have a very well paying career where I excel. I would pay off my debts and have a significant amount in savings. I would be able to be self-sufficient and enjoy my career. I would be able to vacation regularly. I would be able to afford a small 2 or 3 bedroom house that I furnish nicely.

That is all that I can think of right now. I guess the next step is seeing how I can obtain these things in my life!

Lonely and Confused

I am feeling very lonely today. It feels like an ache all over my body and I feel very sad. I wish that I had more friends, especially locally. I think that I will get some dinner and watch a movie that I rented. I hope that I will feel better after doing something fun.

I also feel confused and overwhelmed. I let some things pile up again. In fact, I guess you could say the theme in my life at this time is clutter! My apartment is cluttered, my car is cluttered, and my mind is cluttered with things that I need to do and questions that I have about my future. I have a lot of decluttering to do. I think that I will start with my mind and try to get some of that clutter out of my head and onto paper. Besides, I can do my mind decluttering at Starbucks! After that, I have to attack my car, my apartment, and paperwork. Whew! That is a lot but I will see what I can get done.

Bad News, Good News

A lot has happened since I last blogged. A dear friend and loved one passed away. She was a huge support for me. She knew about my diagnosis and wasn't freaked out by it or me. We talked almost everyday, usually about nothing. I am in shock and some denial. I think about her often and I dream about her. In my dream I am so happy that she is not dead but I slowly realize that she has died as the dream progresses. I am starting to feel that void as more time passes. I have asked God why she had to die, why did she have to leave?

On a happier note, I have started to tutor! I have been working 4 days a week. It is an adjustment after not working but things are going pretty well. I am tired though. I really need to improve my overall health so that I can have more energy.

I am pretty tired right now, so I think that I will sign off right here. Good night!