Ringing in the New Year

Well, it's New Year's Eve. I will spend it alone yet again, but I am not really down about it. I have decided to put on some music and work on a vision board. A vision board is a collage of things that you want in your life. One image that I plan to put on my board is a woman holding a purse with thousands of dollars in it. I definitely want that in my life! The hardest part is going through magazines and finding pictures and phrases of those things that I want. I'll put on some music so that I will enjoy that part.

Although 2009 was difficult for me, I think that it ended better than it started. I hope that I can keep up the same positive momentum in 2010.

Happy New Year!

I had a really good Christmas. I spent Christmas with one of my sisters and my brother and other friends and family. We enjoyed each others company and ate a lot of really good food! I really overdid it-I got acid reflux later that night.

I haven't been very productive. In fact, it felt like depression was trying to sneak its way in. I didn't accomplish what I planned to accomplish today but I did get some other things done. I also read some magazines and enjoyed myself doing that. I think that I am starting to get stressed by trying to do too much. I need to re-evaluate my plans and come up with some lifestyle changes that are doable.

It looks like I can start a part-time job soon! I have been applying for months and it looks like one is finally coming through. I am going to start small. I only plan to work about 10-12 hours a week. As things get easier, then I plan to take on more responsibility. I hope that this is the start of a better life for me.

My Estranged Husband

Someone asked me about my husband so I will talk about him in this post. My husband supports me financially and I do appreciate that very much. Emotionally, however, I am on my own. He just had a really difficult time dealing with the disorder. When we were living together, we didn't know what the diagnosis was. We just knew that I wasn't myself and it was very serious. I didn't find out my diagnosis until after we separated. I still haven't told him the diagnosis. We no longer live together and are going to get divorced, hopefully this summer.

Side Effects

I feel like I am at a weird place right now. In some ways, I feel like I am getting better. I am more optimistic-I believe that with God's help I can make it through the messes (mainly financial) in my life. I am making an effort to improve my life. There are a couple of things that have me concerned however. One issue of concern is the morning grogginess that I experience. It is extremely difficult to wake up and today I feel a little dull. I probably should have had some coffee but it is too late for that now. The other issue is the "noise" in my head. I don't know if it is getting worse or if I am just becoming more aware of it. I hate it. It seems to make things more complicated than they have to be and it just makes it more difficult to focus and concentrate. I don't want to go up on my medication anymore. So far, every time I have increased my dosage of risperdal, I get the grogginess and it lasts for weeks. It makes it very difficult to go to work and it throws off the rest of my day. I hope that I can get some relief soon!

Still Fighting Depression

It has been such a long time since I have written!

Depression has been trying to snake its ugly tentacles around me yet again. This time, I need to fight. I think that part of my problem is that I have been too passive. I need to set small, doable goals and complete those. When I do, I usually feel better.

It is very frustrating to make some progress and then slide back some. Ugh! I went to group tonight and mentioned some of the same things and they kind of laughed and rolled their eyes. I guess I can't say much, I was pretty rude tonight because I kept checking my watch. I wasn't checking it to be rude, I just had something else to do at a certain time and I didn't want to be late.

I have some goals that I feel are doable, but I don't want to share them just yet. I have to reset my mind for success!