Dear Lord,
I have messed up. I need You. I hope that You are still with me.
I want to live the abundant life that You talked about in the Bible. I have been sleepwalking through life. Please help me to arise from my slumber. I want to go "all in". Please show me how to go all in and help me to be willing and obedient.
Help me to be more generous and loving, especially towards You. Please fill my heart with compassion, kindness and mercy. Please help me to love You more than I love myself.
I need to learn how to spend quality time with You. Please help me to "fuel up" during my time with You. Also, please help me to discern clearly what You are saying to me. Give me ears to hear and a discerning heart and mind.
Please help me to deal with my fears in the right way. I pray that You would get the glory from the awesome answers to my trials.
In the name of Jesus, AMEN
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Adapt or Die
I almost don't know where to start. I have felt so many negative emotions today.
I have a secret filthy habit. I know that it is wrong, but I have engaged in it many, many times. I know that it is wrong, but I do it anyway. I am being selfish and sinning grievously in the worst possible way but at the time, I simply don't care that much about the consequences. I just want to focus on what I want.
I have tried to stop. I have gone without for a few days up to about a year. I have always gone back. I feel bound and defeated, like I have failed so many times. Then I think, maybe I don't want to stop. I just don't want to be done with it.
In addition to this ongoing sin, I am continuing to sink. I am starting to drown. I feel empty and detached a little. It seems that people are kinda counting on me to make deposits in them. I am weepy. Money continues to be an issue. It seems like more and more bills come up while my money is not even meeting my main obligations. I am starting to feel discouraged about my ability to support myself, dig myself out of this hole and build a better life for myself. It seems like everything is stacked against me. I make things worse by sabotaging myself.
So many challenges and it feels as if my strength is waning. I don't know if it is exactly my strength waning as I just feel overwhelmed and want to give up.
Even with all the things that I mentioned above, there is a (small) part of me that wants to meet and overcome these challenges, just to see if I can. If that is what I am going to do, I need to pray and then come up with a game plan. I think that it is time for me to go in preparation of formulating my fight plan.
I have a secret filthy habit. I know that it is wrong, but I have engaged in it many, many times. I know that it is wrong, but I do it anyway. I am being selfish and sinning grievously in the worst possible way but at the time, I simply don't care that much about the consequences. I just want to focus on what I want.
I have tried to stop. I have gone without for a few days up to about a year. I have always gone back. I feel bound and defeated, like I have failed so many times. Then I think, maybe I don't want to stop. I just don't want to be done with it.
In addition to this ongoing sin, I am continuing to sink. I am starting to drown. I feel empty and detached a little. It seems that people are kinda counting on me to make deposits in them. I am weepy. Money continues to be an issue. It seems like more and more bills come up while my money is not even meeting my main obligations. I am starting to feel discouraged about my ability to support myself, dig myself out of this hole and build a better life for myself. It seems like everything is stacked against me. I make things worse by sabotaging myself.
So many challenges and it feels as if my strength is waning. I don't know if it is exactly my strength waning as I just feel overwhelmed and want to give up.
Even with all the things that I mentioned above, there is a (small) part of me that wants to meet and overcome these challenges, just to see if I can. If that is what I am going to do, I need to pray and then come up with a game plan. I think that it is time for me to go in preparation of formulating my fight plan.
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