Trying to Find Stability

I have had a tough time lately. I have had other things to crop up that are difficult to deal with. I am trying to get myself stabilized. I went to Starbucks today to work on my goals and to try to deal with things. I realize that I need to work on gaining mental stability. I need to find a new therapist and tackle the stress in my life. Sometimes it seems like I have brain "noise" that makes it difficult to focus and concentrate. I really need to address that. When I see my doctor, I want to talk to him about going back on Abilify. I don't want to keep going up on the Risperdal. It makes me too sleepy and that means I don't get up in time to go to work. I don't remember being this drowsy on Abilify and I think that it worked at least as well as the Risperdal.

One of my mid-term goals is to work a permanent, full-time job. I really need to do this and I want to do it well. I so hope that it goes well for me. I want to do what I can now to get better and more stable so that I can work full-time and do it well.

I am going to look for some resources on coping skills and see how other people manage to support themselves while managing a mental illness. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

One of my sisters is in the hospital because she had a stroke yesterday. I am supposed to go with another sister to visit her today. I'm not ready to face it. I feel like I need some time before I go to visit her. I was feeling some low-grade anxiety about going to visit her but just articulating and writing about it has calmed me down some.

Feeling Discouraged Part II

Although I hate to admit it, I think that I am more discouraged than I thought that I was. My place is a mess-I haven't made any real attempts to clean it. It seems like all I want to do is lie in bed and let my mind wander. Sounds like depression! Today, I am planning to go to Starbucks, visit my father, and do a little exercise. That is way more than I have done in the past few days.

I am concerned about my ability to work a full time job. There is a job that I really want, but I wonder if I can manage it. Since I don't have the job (yet), I can continue to sub and see how that goes. If I can manage to sub most days a week, then I will take that as an indicator of my ability to work a full-time job. If I find that I am really having a difficult time subbing most days, then I will have to re-evaluate my plans.

Feeling Discouraged

I worked yesterday. Although the day wasn't a disaster, there were a few things that happened that discouraged me.

The good news is that the grogginess has diminished quite a bit, but some still remains. The grogginess made it a little difficult to function, and it didn't go away for hours. I was tired (because of my weight) and someone got a little snippy with me. I just felt like I never got myself together and it discouraged me. I went down the path of negative thinking. I was thinking that I would never be able to work full-time and take care of myself. The negative thinking carried over into today and I didn't get out of bed until about 2pm. I feel a little bit better now and I will just have to keep going.

Feeling Not Quite Right

Feeling a little bit...off. I noticed at my support group meeting tonight. I don't really feel depressed. It is kind of hard to describe the way that I feel. It feels like the psychosis might be trying to rear its ugly head. There is a sort of seriousness with it that feels like it is trying to edge out the good feelings that I was having. I just took my medicine and I am going to focus on feeling good, optimistic, and most importantly, a sense of reality.