Focus!

It is very easy for me to get distracted and sidetracked. One of the qualities that I need to develop is focus.
I am reading "How Successful People Think" and the author speaks to the importance of focus as opposed to multitasking. I think that part of the reason that I have a problem with focus is that I feel like I don't have enough time in the day to complete the tasks that I want to accomplish and so I am thinking about what isn't getting done while I should just focus on what I am doing. I also need to learn to prioritize which is also tough for me. I feel like everything is important! I think I will go over the goals that I have set and see what I can do about working toward them everyday.

In other news...I quit my tutoring job! I didn't exactly handle it well, but at least I didn't get fired, because unfortunately, I think that is where I was headed. On to the next venture!

Getting a Grip on Depression

The depression got worse today, but I forced myself to do a number of things to combat it:
1. I showered
2. I wore something that I feel good in when I am well
3. I got out of the house
4. I called friends and family even though I wanted to isolate
5. I listened to music with a fast tempo
6. I read supportive and spiritual material

These steps really helped even though they were not easy. Now the really hard part comes: dealing with the issues that were spiralling me down. Ugh.

Would You Get Rid of Your Depression If You Could?

Most people, I believe, would answer with a resounding "yes"! I would too-sometimes. One thought that came to mind tonight is how I depend on depression. It keeps me from having to deal with life. People know that they cannot depend on me and thus I can remain childish in some aspects of my life. I also have an excuse for being irresponsible. I can use it when I don't feel like going to work. Maybe, ultimately, it shields me from seeing these unsavory parts of myself. I can blame it on depression and not have to really work on it. When I think of being free of depression, I can only think of the responsibility and not the energy and joy that would also come along with it.
Yet, I have to strive to at least minimize the depression in my life because I still remember the one day that I had this year that was a really good day. I wasn't nearly as depressed as I usually am and there wasn't anything spectacular about the day other than I wasn't as depressed as usual. I so wish I knew what I did so that I could duplicate that feeling. Even my chores didn't feel like chores!
Maybe I actually would get rid of depression if i could. Thinking back to that day, I believe that my answer would be a resounding "yes"!

Sounds Like Depression

I need to sort out my feelings. I think that the depression has caught up with me and I am in denial. I had to go to a teacher's meeting today and I marvelled at how upbeat and energetic they all seemed. They really seem to enjoy their work while I struggle and had the worst class ever yesterday. I plan to quit. I am thinking about calling in tomorrow because I don't want to really do anything. I am way behind in my life. My place is a mess. I am a mess. I am starting to feel discouraged about the future. I feel like I need to take an extended break and get things together but when I have extended breaks I usually don't do much that is productive. What do I do? Where do I start?
I guess the first place to start is to do what I can to keep the depression from getting worse. This means that I need to examine my thoughts and beliefs. I watched Joel Osteen and he talked about speaking to our mountains (Your mountain is your problem). One of the mountains that he mentioned was depression! Depression, be thou removed and cast into the sea!

As I mentioned in my last post, I was feeling depression nipping at my heels. It was kind of rough for a couple of days, but I feel better today. I think a large part of the problem was my unknowingly taking too much sleep medicine. I would be drowsy for most of the day and it would be difficult to do most things. That in turn would have me feeling bad because I didn't really accomplish anything.
Today, I was able to get up at a decent time, get dressed and get out of the house. I felt more focused than I have in a while and I was able to do a good bit of reading and goal setting. That felt really good. I have to break my goals down into manageable pieces so that I can really get started on them. I am starting to believe that my life can improve as long as I do the work that is necessary to improve it! This is a far cry from what I used to believe. I used to believe that no matter what I did, my life would always suck, so what was the point of trying to improve it? I even believe that God will help me improve my life, especially since the things that I want aren't sinful. I used to believe that He was against me. When I believed that, I really didn't have hope for living.
I still have auditory hallucinations. I have to be careful with that, especially in conjunction with my spiritual life. I used to think that I was hearing God with some of the hallucinations. I don't want to go back there.

After a Looooooooooooong Break, I'm Back!

It doesn't feel like a lot has changed since I last submitted an entry. A few things are different though-I have a part-time job that is challenging for me and my relationship with God is better. I work hard to have a realistic relationship with God because I don't want to slide back into being hyper-religious. For a while, I didn't want to have any type of relationship with God, but I just couldn't turn away from Him altogether.
Something else that is different is that I finally have hope that things can change for the better. I know that when I feel better (depression is currently nipping at my heels and I am trying to outrun it) then I will do better and my life will improve.
It seems that the only thing that has really changed dramatically is that my outlook on life has changed. It is, however, a big change that affects pretty much every area of my life.