In one of the fitness magazines that I like to read, there was a feature about an athlete named Kristin Armstrong. I really like her story. She was a triathlete but she developed osteoarthritis and couldn't run anymore. She was tempted to give up on competing altogether. Instead, she focused on what she could do. She could still bike and eventually ended up winning a gold medal in Beijing in cycling!
Even though I haven't been on a bicycle in years, I think that there is a strong parallel between my story and Krisitin's. For a long time, I focused on what I couldn't do. I also focused a lot on my failures. SA has impacted me and I have to take it into account with the things that I decide to do. I do think, however, that I was previously selling myself way short and now I am starting to believe that more is possible for me.
The feature also speaks of Kristin's philosophy of the importance of focus and goal-setting. She stated that you have to focus on what you can do and not what the person next to you is doing. I really need to hear that! I was so focused on the accomplishments of my classmates that I wasn't paying attention to what I could do! As far as goal-setting, she advocates breaking goals down monthly, weekly, and daily so you can monitor your progress. I really like this because I realize that I have to start doing some things daily, monthly, or weekly in order to improve my life so that these things become a habit. I plan to start small so that I am not overwhelmed.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
(Lack of) Progress Report
I am a little bit frustrated. Even though I feel better emotionally, I am still acting depressed. I haven't subbed in a long time and my apartment is a mess once again. I think that I will focus and work on my goals. Maybe that will help me get back on track.
I ordered a couple of cookbooks from Amazon a little while ago. I hope that these are some good cookbooks! I also ordered a stretching DVD. I really like stretching. It relaxes me.
Will report later on my progress.
I ordered a couple of cookbooks from Amazon a little while ago. I hope that these are some good cookbooks! I also ordered a stretching DVD. I really like stretching. It relaxes me.
Will report later on my progress.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Life's Pleasures
I did something today that I really enjoyed. I went to a bookstore for the first time in over a year. That is way too long! I didn't go before today because I was scared of getting lost. It was like a part of me was reawakened when I walked through the doors. I looked at some healthy cookbooks and really enjoyed myself. I am going to have to back as well as visit another bookstore that is close to my house. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, life's pleasures!
I Need to Lose Weight!
Well, I know that I have mentioned it before, but I am fat. (I weigh 224.6 lbs!) I need to lose about 100 lbs, especially since it impacts my activities of daily living. I went to Target with my sister today (who has a great body and is of normal weight) and I had trouble keeping up with her. My back started to hurt and it hurts because I am carrying too much weight. Sometimes I get winded from getting ready in the morning.
I need to lose weight runs through my head often. I often feel, however, that it is going to take a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time to see any benefit. That is not true though. I remember previous attempts at losing weight where I felt better simply because I was taking better care of myself.
What I need to do is formulate a plan, follow the plan, and if the plan doesn't work, change the plan. One small, doable action that I can take is to find healthy, low-fat recipes. I also need to clean my kitchen and make cleaning my kitchen a priority. I also plan to order some healthy cookbooks. Other things to do would be to drink more water and eat more fruits and vegetables.
I would really like to go to Weight Watchers, but because of money, I need to create my own plan. I would also like to join a gym, but again money is an issue. I have exercise DVD's and I can just workout with those until my financial situation improves.
My homework for this week is to formulate a weight loss plan for myself. I'll outline it in one of my posts.
I need to lose weight runs through my head often. I often feel, however, that it is going to take a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time to see any benefit. That is not true though. I remember previous attempts at losing weight where I felt better simply because I was taking better care of myself.
What I need to do is formulate a plan, follow the plan, and if the plan doesn't work, change the plan. One small, doable action that I can take is to find healthy, low-fat recipes. I also need to clean my kitchen and make cleaning my kitchen a priority. I also plan to order some healthy cookbooks. Other things to do would be to drink more water and eat more fruits and vegetables.
I would really like to go to Weight Watchers, but because of money, I need to create my own plan. I would also like to join a gym, but again money is an issue. I have exercise DVD's and I can just workout with those until my financial situation improves.
My homework for this week is to formulate a weight loss plan for myself. I'll outline it in one of my posts.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Developing Hope-The Extended Version
I feel more hopeful and more stable. This is light years away from where I have been earlier this year. Yesterday, someone reminded me that just a couple of months ago I told the support group that there was no hope for me of attaining a better life. I believed that my life sucked and worse yet, it would always suck.
My life is still in tiny little pieces as I mentioned earlier in one of my posts. My finances are a disaster, my marriage is ruined, I am obese, and I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off track with my career. My finances and my weight bring me down the most. I still struggle with hopelessness with my finances because I just couldn't see a way out or through.
My friend asked me last night, what changed for you? How did you develop hope? It is kind of hard to answer, but I feel compelled to at least try.
My most recent major breakdown was in March of this year. One of the major signs that I am depressed is a tendency to isolate. I did not contact my friends and family for a month. I would leave the house once a day to get food. My apartment was kept dark and I pretty much just sat in bed and watched TV. I didn't shower for weeks and I didn't comb my hair. Of course the apartment didn't get cleaned. One of my sisters came by and for some reason I let her in. She really helped to save my life. She let me cry and she asked me if I needed to go back into the hospital (I said no.) She told me that I had to make an appointment with the psychiatrist though. I did but it wasn't for a few weeks later. She and another sister came by again and took me to a natural foods grocery store and we hung out there.
I started calling people but it took a while for me to stabilize. I still dipped into suicidal lows and even told a friend not to feel like she failed if I went ahead and killed myself. I would go to suicidal websites and look up famous people who committed suicide. My sister would come by and I wouldn't answer the door. I still wasn't doing my hair. I don't think that I showered much. I read a lot of biographies for some reason. I think that the only positive things that I did were to talk to my friend and look up mental health resources online.
I went to see my doctor and he was glad that I was talking to people but he wanted me to physically be around people. He suggested a book club. I looked up support groups instead that met close to my house. I found three and went to two of them that first week. One was a mental health group led by an intern and the other was a faith based group. Both groups had people who had been attending for years in it, so they knew each other and I felt kind of left out. I was still pretty low and very negative and judgmental. One lady reached out to me in the mental health group and that helped me some. I still appreciate that to this day. I went to the faith based group to get back on track spiritually. I wasn't going to church regularly at all but the faith based group seemed like a good place to start. Even though I didn't like this group at first, I kept going back because I was determined to get my spiritual life together and I thought that this was the place to do it.
Even though I didn't know anyone there, I told myself to keep going back. That was my small goal. After a while, I found myself looking forward to the groups. Now, I really look forward to going to the support groups. They have helped me a lot. Recently, they suggested that I talk to my doctor about increasing my anti-depressant because I talked about being hopeless a lot. I told him what they said and he agreed to do it!
There is another group that I haven't been to in a while and that is the peer support group. This was my favorite group until I developed a crush on a member of one of the other support groups. (It didn't really go anywhere but I think that I will save that saga for another time.) It is a really good group and I really like the facilitator. It was in that group that I was given the suggestion to write this blog.
I have gotten off track a little...
So, I am taking more showers now and going to support groups and talking to my friends and family. It was during this time that I really began to appreciate my friends and family and how great they are for being so supportive of me. I talked to one sister almost every day. I really needed it and she was so there for me. A friend talked to me often as she has mental health issues and could understand a lot of what I was going through. This friend encouraged me when I would speak of being hopeless. She would tell me that I was smart (because I believed that I was dumb) and that I could have a career. She would encourage me to think about what career options were available to me when I didn't think that anything was really available to me. She gently persisted in getting me to think about a positive future when I didn't think that I had one.
There were a few times during this process that I would hit lows and want to isolate. This time, though, I would make myself call someone and I believe that helped out a lot.
Spiritually, I decided that I would go to this church that I had attended before. It only lasts for an hour so that made it doable for me. The dress is also very casual which was good because I could wear scarves to cover my hair. I have missed a few Sundays but I attend waaaaaaaaay more than I have in years. The biggest change that I am excited about is that I am actually excited to go to church! I feel like I get a boost from going and I haven't felt like that in a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. I think that going to a church that is right for me has helped me with feeling more hopeful. I pray more about things that bother me instead of just worrying about them and that helps me feel calmer about those things.
I definitely haven't arrived, but things are definitely better than they were. In writing out my story I see that a pattern has emerged: I set small goals, get those under my belt, and set new ones.
My next goals involve finding a new job and losing weight in small doable steps. What small, doable steps can you take toward wellness?
My life is still in tiny little pieces as I mentioned earlier in one of my posts. My finances are a disaster, my marriage is ruined, I am obese, and I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off track with my career. My finances and my weight bring me down the most. I still struggle with hopelessness with my finances because I just couldn't see a way out or through.
My friend asked me last night, what changed for you? How did you develop hope? It is kind of hard to answer, but I feel compelled to at least try.
My most recent major breakdown was in March of this year. One of the major signs that I am depressed is a tendency to isolate. I did not contact my friends and family for a month. I would leave the house once a day to get food. My apartment was kept dark and I pretty much just sat in bed and watched TV. I didn't shower for weeks and I didn't comb my hair. Of course the apartment didn't get cleaned. One of my sisters came by and for some reason I let her in. She really helped to save my life. She let me cry and she asked me if I needed to go back into the hospital (I said no.) She told me that I had to make an appointment with the psychiatrist though. I did but it wasn't for a few weeks later. She and another sister came by again and took me to a natural foods grocery store and we hung out there.
I started calling people but it took a while for me to stabilize. I still dipped into suicidal lows and even told a friend not to feel like she failed if I went ahead and killed myself. I would go to suicidal websites and look up famous people who committed suicide. My sister would come by and I wouldn't answer the door. I still wasn't doing my hair. I don't think that I showered much. I read a lot of biographies for some reason. I think that the only positive things that I did were to talk to my friend and look up mental health resources online.
I went to see my doctor and he was glad that I was talking to people but he wanted me to physically be around people. He suggested a book club. I looked up support groups instead that met close to my house. I found three and went to two of them that first week. One was a mental health group led by an intern and the other was a faith based group. Both groups had people who had been attending for years in it, so they knew each other and I felt kind of left out. I was still pretty low and very negative and judgmental. One lady reached out to me in the mental health group and that helped me some. I still appreciate that to this day. I went to the faith based group to get back on track spiritually. I wasn't going to church regularly at all but the faith based group seemed like a good place to start. Even though I didn't like this group at first, I kept going back because I was determined to get my spiritual life together and I thought that this was the place to do it.
Even though I didn't know anyone there, I told myself to keep going back. That was my small goal. After a while, I found myself looking forward to the groups. Now, I really look forward to going to the support groups. They have helped me a lot. Recently, they suggested that I talk to my doctor about increasing my anti-depressant because I talked about being hopeless a lot. I told him what they said and he agreed to do it!
There is another group that I haven't been to in a while and that is the peer support group. This was my favorite group until I developed a crush on a member of one of the other support groups. (It didn't really go anywhere but I think that I will save that saga for another time.) It is a really good group and I really like the facilitator. It was in that group that I was given the suggestion to write this blog.
I have gotten off track a little...
So, I am taking more showers now and going to support groups and talking to my friends and family. It was during this time that I really began to appreciate my friends and family and how great they are for being so supportive of me. I talked to one sister almost every day. I really needed it and she was so there for me. A friend talked to me often as she has mental health issues and could understand a lot of what I was going through. This friend encouraged me when I would speak of being hopeless. She would tell me that I was smart (because I believed that I was dumb) and that I could have a career. She would encourage me to think about what career options were available to me when I didn't think that anything was really available to me. She gently persisted in getting me to think about a positive future when I didn't think that I had one.
There were a few times during this process that I would hit lows and want to isolate. This time, though, I would make myself call someone and I believe that helped out a lot.
Spiritually, I decided that I would go to this church that I had attended before. It only lasts for an hour so that made it doable for me. The dress is also very casual which was good because I could wear scarves to cover my hair. I have missed a few Sundays but I attend waaaaaaaaay more than I have in years. The biggest change that I am excited about is that I am actually excited to go to church! I feel like I get a boost from going and I haven't felt like that in a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. I think that going to a church that is right for me has helped me with feeling more hopeful. I pray more about things that bother me instead of just worrying about them and that helps me feel calmer about those things.
I definitely haven't arrived, but things are definitely better than they were. In writing out my story I see that a pattern has emerged: I set small goals, get those under my belt, and set new ones.
My next goals involve finding a new job and losing weight in small doable steps. What small, doable steps can you take toward wellness?
Job Interview, Hair, and Housekeeping
Well, yesterday was the day of the job interview. I felt pretty good about the way I looked. I went and got coffee beforehand because I have been dealing with grogginess from one of my medications. I didn't want to be yawning throughout the interview! It was a short interview thankfully but I was interviewed by a panel of three. That threw me for a minute. I felt good about most of the interview but the end was a little weird. I hope that it won't count against me. I should find out if I got the job by next week so hopefully I will have something good to report! Whatever happens, I feel good about my overall performance.
I got my hair done for the interview and it had an unexpected side effect: I felt more confident about myself! It has been so long since I have had a style that was becoming that I had forgotten what a difference a nice hairstyle can make in one's level of attractiveness! I am at a crossroads about what to do with it. I liked the way that I had it because I felt more attractive but it is kind of a high maintenance way to wear it. I'll figure something out.
I am slacking on my housekeeping duties and that is moderately distressing to me. I believe that I am making progress but that will probably be one of the last areas that will show improvement. Even when I am well, I am not a great housekeeper. I live in a tiny apartment so it should be easy to clean right? One would think so. I really need to tackle that tiny kitchen. I need to do that soon.
I got my hair done for the interview and it had an unexpected side effect: I felt more confident about myself! It has been so long since I have had a style that was becoming that I had forgotten what a difference a nice hairstyle can make in one's level of attractiveness! I am at a crossroads about what to do with it. I liked the way that I had it because I felt more attractive but it is kind of a high maintenance way to wear it. I'll figure something out.
I am slacking on my housekeeping duties and that is moderately distressing to me. I believe that I am making progress but that will probably be one of the last areas that will show improvement. Even when I am well, I am not a great housekeeper. I live in a tiny apartment so it should be easy to clean right? One would think so. I really need to tackle that tiny kitchen. I need to do that soon.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Job Interview!
I am nervous and excited! I got a call about 30 minutes ago about a job that I applied for! I have to call back to set up the interview. I am so excited that someone is interested in me.
It is a part time position. I really need full-time pay but emotionally part-time is better for me. I hope and pray that the interview goes well. Will keep you posted!
It is a part time position. I really need full-time pay but emotionally part-time is better for me. I hope and pray that the interview goes well. Will keep you posted!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Really Good Day
Last night I went out with some people. I didn't have a good time and that is all that I will say about that. I decided to make today a good day instead. You know what? I had a really good day. I bought some magazines and went to lunch at Pei Wei. After that, I went to Starbucks and leisurely read part of one of the magazines. The weather here was nice and sunny so I sat outside and enjoyed being outdoors before it gets too cold. I went to visit my father but he was sleeping so I didn't stay long. I bought dinner and came home and talked on the phone to one of my sisters and also to a friend. I'll be going to bed soon, so I will probably read one of the magazines to help me drift off to sleep. (I forgot to mention that I did a little housework today! As a treat to myself for doing something, I hooked up one of the Air Wick plug-ins. I really like those things.)
I really enjoyed myself today, especially going to Starbucks and reading a magazine. It has been so long since I have done that! I think that I will try not to let so much time pass between Starbucks visits again. It is really important to do things that bring enjoyment if you can.
I really enjoyed myself today, especially going to Starbucks and reading a magazine. It has been so long since I have done that! I think that I will try not to let so much time pass between Starbucks visits again. It is really important to do things that bring enjoyment if you can.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Courage
After group last night, one of the attendees told me that she thought that I added a lot to the group. She also said that she thought that I was courageous. I generally don't think of myself as being courageous. In fact, I usually think of myself as being wimpy. I guess it does take courage to even attempt to carve out a life for yourself with SA.
Just Do It!
I have had a very interesting week, emotionally. Internally, I felt myself getting better and more hopeful. I even posted about it Wednesday. I really felt LIFE developing inside me again. Externally, nothing changed. I didn't go to work at all. I didn't clean my apartment. I didn't cook much. I barely showered. It's very confusing to me. I can't remember a time when I felt one way emotionally and responded another way externally.
If you will allow me to navel gaze for a moment, I think that I have been feeling anxious. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I would think about doing something productive like going to work. Instead of pushing past that feeling, I would simply get in bed and go to sleep. I have been avoiding one of my sisters because she asks me about work and I don't want to confess to her that I haven't been in this week.
I know what I need to do though. I need to push past the feeling and just do the task. Not analyze the task or how I feel about it. I need to do it.
I have been thinking a lot about champions, athletes, and being courageous. I read a post by Julie Fast that discussed champions and greatness. She defines herself as a champion because she manages bipolar disorder successfully. I love that definition. I think that I will apply it to myself. In another post, she talked about athletes and how focused they have to be to reach their goals. They also practice whether they feel like it or not. I think that part of my problem is that I am not focused on making my goals come to life. I need to come up with some compelling goals that will keep me working through depression like Ms. Fast. I need to get in touch with the real me that used to be optimistic, set goals, and achieve them. I need to become a champion!
If you will allow me to navel gaze for a moment, I think that I have been feeling anxious. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I would think about doing something productive like going to work. Instead of pushing past that feeling, I would simply get in bed and go to sleep. I have been avoiding one of my sisters because she asks me about work and I don't want to confess to her that I haven't been in this week.
I know what I need to do though. I need to push past the feeling and just do the task. Not analyze the task or how I feel about it. I need to do it.
I have been thinking a lot about champions, athletes, and being courageous. I read a post by Julie Fast that discussed champions and greatness. She defines herself as a champion because she manages bipolar disorder successfully. I love that definition. I think that I will apply it to myself. In another post, she talked about athletes and how focused they have to be to reach their goals. They also practice whether they feel like it or not. I think that part of my problem is that I am not focused on making my goals come to life. I need to come up with some compelling goals that will keep me working through depression like Ms. Fast. I need to get in touch with the real me that used to be optimistic, set goals, and achieve them. I need to become a champion!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Developing Hope
I am slooooooooooooooowly making progress. I have applied to a few jobs and I prepared a meal.
I feel like something on the inside of me is developing. I feel a small flicker of LIFE. There is a growing feeling that I would like to become a fully functional adult, but I know that I need to take it in small steps. I need to start with a few of the key issues (job, weight, etc) and go from there.
I just read a post in my favorite blog. It was about greatness and being a champion. I used to believe that I was destined for greatness and I was an academic champion. Then came mental illness and everything seemed to crumble in little pieces. Even though a significant part of my life is still in those tiny pieces, I am beginning to believe that I can restore my life. I guess what I am saying is that I finally have some hope.
I feel like something on the inside of me is developing. I feel a small flicker of LIFE. There is a growing feeling that I would like to become a fully functional adult, but I know that I need to take it in small steps. I need to start with a few of the key issues (job, weight, etc) and go from there.
I just read a post in my favorite blog. It was about greatness and being a champion. I used to believe that I was destined for greatness and I was an academic champion. Then came mental illness and everything seemed to crumble in little pieces. Even though a significant part of my life is still in those tiny pieces, I am beginning to believe that I can restore my life. I guess what I am saying is that I finally have some hope.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Making a Little Progress
I finally made a little progress. It took the whole week for me to do it! I cleaned (a little). That is huge for me! I still haven't cooked or made headway into finding a job.
It has been very difficult to motivate myself to do anything worthwhile. It is like I have been resistant to doing things that better my situation. I don't know what that is about.
It has been very difficult to motivate myself to do anything worthwhile. It is like I have been resistant to doing things that better my situation. I don't know what that is about.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Nothing Much to Say
I am embarrassed to write that I haven't accomplished anything. I haven't cleaned up my apartment, I haven't cooked, and I haven't made any progress with finding a job.
I am happy to report, however, that I do feel more hopeful than I have in a while. That feels really good.
I didn't make it to church this morning because I overslept. When I finally did wake up, I showered and went to visit my father. It was a difficult visit for my father because he was in pain.
I haven't talked to anyone by phone today and that is rare for me. I usually talk to at least 2 people a day. I just haven't felt like talking much. I watched part of Mad Men season 1. I really like it!
I think that I am taking too much of my sleeping medication. I woke up late today and I still feel sleepy. The temperature has dropped and it is dark outside. I don't want to do anything but stay in bed and watch DVD's.
I'll try to have some progress made by my next post. I really dislike not having anything new to report.
I am happy to report, however, that I do feel more hopeful than I have in a while. That feels really good.
I didn't make it to church this morning because I overslept. When I finally did wake up, I showered and went to visit my father. It was a difficult visit for my father because he was in pain.
I haven't talked to anyone by phone today and that is rare for me. I usually talk to at least 2 people a day. I just haven't felt like talking much. I watched part of Mad Men season 1. I really like it!
I think that I am taking too much of my sleeping medication. I woke up late today and I still feel sleepy. The temperature has dropped and it is dark outside. I don't want to do anything but stay in bed and watch DVD's.
I'll try to have some progress made by my next post. I really dislike not having anything new to report.
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