My Friends and Family Kinda Suck...

This week has been tough, and it only got tougher as the week progressed.  Friday and today, Sunday, have been really difficult.  I spent most of the day with my family.  I started out the day with my brother.  Most Sundays we go to church and then run his errands.  I love my brother, but I find him to be emotionally draining.  I work to keep myself on an even keel, but he is high strung and has road rage.  He believes a lot of conspiracy theories which is a little unsettling as well for me.  After that, I went to see one of my sisters.  I enjoy spending time with her superficially and she is easy to be around in that respect.  She is not sympathetic regarding my mental health.  Many times, she doesn't even take it into account.  A few years ago, I grew deeply depressed and just stopped showing up for week.  I ended up in the hospital.  She told me that I abandoned my job.  What makes this especially difficult to take is that she was the one who had me admitted to the hospital!  Her support of my mental health issues has been inconsistent at best.  I think that she is uncomfortable with the thought of either mental illness in general (even though she worked for years at a mental hospital) or my having mental illness.  Regardless, she is uncomfortable with it, so she just doesn't acknowledge this.  I finally realized today that she does this in her own life.  When things make her uncomfortable, she buries it and distracts herself.  Finally, I went to see my niece and drop off some resources that I thought would help her.  I ended up talking to her and realized that I had become very negative.  Her own mental health is not good right now, so I should have left before I did.  I know that she is young (25 yo) but something bothered me about her views.  I really don't think that she has a very good opinion of me.  That hurts.  She does love me, but she doesn't really examine things beyond face value.
The family that I didn't see today has issues as well.  My other sister is verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry depressed, but she seems unwilling to try to get help.  She is waiting to die.  I used to talk to her very often but after I started working 40+ hours a week, I couldn't and maintain good enough mental health to work.  Heck, most of the time I was physically tired as well!  She can't really see past her own misery right now.  Her daughter is a trip and really upset me because she treated her mom, my sister, very disrepectfully.
What I realized today, is that I am feeling alone and unsupported.  I have made significant deposits into people, like my best friend and family.  Even when I was depressed, I would still try to help people by listening to them.  Now that I need that kindness, it is like people are too busy or they don't have the emotional wherewithal or worse, they attempt to make withdrawals from my depleted account.  I really don't want to shut myself off from my friends and family, but I am really hurt by lack of or extremely limited support.  I will have to get some support so that I can get back on track.  I need to find a counselor.  I also plan to distance myself from my friends and family and just have a more superficial relationship with them.  I will have to focus on other things that are more positive.  I am seriously thinking about moving to another city or even state, because being this close to my family is really painful right now.

Time to Fuel Up Emotionally!

The signs have been there, but I have not been paying attention at all.  I didn't realize I was becoming depleted until I stilled myself for morning quiet time.  It was then that it seemed my soul shouted at me that I need to eat "soul food"!  I can see it in retrospect now: overeating (for comfort), not reading anything nourishing, almost imperceptibly growing irritability, feeling overwhelmed.

I have been sleeping a lot today, but I truly need the rest.  I have only been getting about 5 hours of sleep during the week while working over 10 hours each day.  I had planned to go "balls to the wall" this weekend, but I think that am going to leisurely get some things done.  I do need to make some progress toward my goals.  After I got off from work last week, I didn't do much to advance my life.  I think that I will work around 9 hours a day so that I have more energy for my own life.  I am becoming frustrated with the lack of progress toward my goals

Also, I really want to be in a supportive, romantic relationship with a man.  I have been daydreaming about one man in particular, especially when things are kind of overwhelming.  I need to blast myself out of doing that because it is not good for me to waste so much time and headspace over that.  When I am daydreaming excessively,  a good thing for me to do is to take notes from my daydreams.  I know that sounds weird, but I usually daydream about the things that are missing in my life.  Right now, I feel lonely, so daydreaming about this particular guy fills a void temporarily.  What I need to do is to see how I can alleviate feeling that way in real life.  In my daydreams, I am thin and well-dressed, so I need to start working on weight reduction.

I am going to relax with some magazines for the next couple of hours.  After that, I will probably call a friend.  Starbucks might be in my future tonight and/or tomorrow.  At some point, I need to make some plans and follow through on them.  I almost forgot the most important thing-quiet time with my Heavenly Father!

Change your clothes, change your life?

I did some online browsing at clothes yesterday.  I would really like to update my wardrobe some so that I can look as nice as I can right now, even being obese.  I will see how to make this happen, because improving my appearance can have a positive impact on other seemingly unrelated areas of my life.

Time to Put Faith in Action

There are changes that I want\need to make in my life.  The ones that I am focused on for the rest of this year are for:

*physical health (weight reduction)
*career change (increase work satisfaction and pay)
*business relaunch

In order to carry these out, I have to incorporate spiritual and personal development into my day as well.

As is often the case when trying to do something productive, I have become aware of distractions.  One of the biggest distractions is the loneliness and emptiness that I feel.  Other distractions are tiredness, laziness, and some degree of self-loathing.

Aside from prayer, I have to focus on attaining what I want and need.  I guess another way to address it would be to see what I can do to lessen or eliminate this loneliness/emptiness.  What I cannot do is allow it to hinder me from making progress.

I also have to make sure to support myself spiritually and emotionally while I make these changes.  I will make out a rough draft of a plan for that and I will flesh it out later.  Right now, I have some desire and a little momentum built up to begin to usher in some of these changes and I will take advantage of it right now.

Good things

Time has really gotten away from me!

A HUGE work issue has been resolved.  I thought that I was going to get fired because I couldn't maintain the stamina necessary for a 12 hour shift.  I also thought that my supervisor didn't think that I was doing a good job.  I finally prayed about it and went to sleep.  The next morning, two of the supervisors offered me a chance to move to a less demanding schedule because they thought that I was doing a good job!  Woo-hoo!!!  So happy and relieved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also realized that I can do more on my income than I thought that I could.  That has helped to relieve stress as well.  So grateful!

I want more out of life though.  I know that I need to be more active so that I can have more out of life, but it is difficult right now.  I am always so tired.  Sleep apnea and being obese are definitely contributing factors.  It makes it hard to get things done.  I think I will have to be better at prioritizing and just pushing through.

I am looking at making a career change.  I need to pray about that though.

All in all, things are good and I know that they can definitely be better.  I feel like I am able to see possibilities in my life.  The next step is to realize them!

A Prayer from My Heart

Dear Lord,

I have messed up.  I need You.  I hope that You are still with me.

I want to live the abundant life that You talked about in the Bible.  I have been sleepwalking through life. Please help me to arise from my slumber.  I want to go "all in".  Please show me how to go all in and help me to be willing and obedient.

Help me to be more generous and loving, especially towards You.  Please fill my heart with compassion, kindness and mercy.  Please help me to love You more than I love myself.

I need to learn how to spend quality time with You.  Please help me to "fuel up" during my time with You.  Also, please help me to discern clearly what You are saying to me.  Give me ears to hear and a discerning heart and mind.

Please help me to deal with my fears in the right way.  I pray that You would get the glory from the awesome answers to my trials.

In the name of Jesus, AMEN

Adapt or Die

I almost don't know where to start.  I have felt so many negative emotions today.

I have a secret filthy habit.  I know that it is wrong, but I have engaged in it many, many times.  I know that it is wrong, but I do it anyway.  I am being selfish and sinning grievously in the worst possible way but at the time, I simply don't care that much about the consequences.  I just want to focus on what I want.

I have tried to stop.  I have gone without for a few days up to about a year.  I have always gone back.  I feel bound and defeated, like I have failed so many times.  Then I think, maybe I don't want to stop.  I just don't want to be done with it.

In addition to this ongoing sin, I am continuing to sink.  I am starting to drown. I feel empty and detached a little.  It seems that people are kinda counting on me to make deposits in them.  I am weepy.  Money continues to be an issue.  It seems like  more and more bills come up while my money is not even meeting my main obligations.  I am starting to feel discouraged about my ability to support myself, dig myself out of this hole and build a better life for myself.  It seems like everything is stacked against me.  I make things worse by sabotaging myself.

So many challenges and it feels as if my strength is waning.  I don't know if it is exactly my strength waning as I just feel overwhelmed and want to give up.

Even with all the things that I mentioned above, there is a (small) part of me that wants to meet and overcome these challenges, just to see if I can.  If that is what I am going to do, I need to pray and then come up with a game plan.  I think that it is time for me to go in preparation of formulating my fight plan.