Adapt or Die

I almost don't know where to start.  I have felt so many negative emotions today.

I have a secret filthy habit.  I know that it is wrong, but I have engaged in it many, many times.  I know that it is wrong, but I do it anyway.  I am being selfish and sinning grievously in the worst possible way but at the time, I simply don't care that much about the consequences.  I just want to focus on what I want.

I have tried to stop.  I have gone without for a few days up to about a year.  I have always gone back.  I feel bound and defeated, like I have failed so many times.  Then I think, maybe I don't want to stop.  I just don't want to be done with it.

In addition to this ongoing sin, I am continuing to sink.  I am starting to drown. I feel empty and detached a little.  It seems that people are kinda counting on me to make deposits in them.  I am weepy.  Money continues to be an issue.  It seems like  more and more bills come up while my money is not even meeting my main obligations.  I am starting to feel discouraged about my ability to support myself, dig myself out of this hole and build a better life for myself.  It seems like everything is stacked against me.  I make things worse by sabotaging myself.

So many challenges and it feels as if my strength is waning.  I don't know if it is exactly my strength waning as I just feel overwhelmed and want to give up.

Even with all the things that I mentioned above, there is a (small) part of me that wants to meet and overcome these challenges, just to see if I can.  If that is what I am going to do, I need to pray and then come up with a game plan.  I think that it is time for me to go in preparation of formulating my fight plan.