It is Friday night and I am at Starbucks by myself. I have been making an effort to start the weekend with quiet time. Tonight, I listened to some music and surfed the web. Eventually, I began looking for resources for self-esteem and confidence. Just looking for the resources has brought some repressed feelings to the surface...
It began one morning this week, between the hours of 1am - 3am. I was enjoying a magazine. I used to read tons of magazines just a few years ago, and I really enjoyed them. It was a great way for me to get engrossed in something other than my brain. I haven't enjoyed reading a magazine like that in some time and it was really refreshing. One article that I read made me burst into tears because I connected so strongly to it. When the writer talked about the compassion and encouragement that her mentor gave her after confronting her about her drinking problem, I eventually realized that I am STARVING for encouragement. I just now realized that I cried because even though she messed up, her mentor loved her still. I have been afraid, since I was a kid, to show my real self, especially my weaknesses. If someone saw how much I messed up, they wouldn't love me anymore. I eventually believed that God was the same way and it totally hindered my relationship (my ability to have a relationship) with Him. How wonderful to have someone love you back to wholeness!
I feel like God is whispering to me that I need to feel better about myself. This is the key to my life improving...
I need to start having fun. I don't do anything for fun anymore.
Tonight, I realized that I am scared, anxious, and verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry frustrated about my current life situation. I need to pour my heart out because I am constantly on edge and not relaxing well. How can I improve things starting right now?
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