Ending the day...

I am feeling a little anxious about all of the things that I listed that I need to get done.  I am (kinda!) working on living one day at a time.  I think that I will do some things tonight, maybe three:  get the distilled water for the CPAP machine so that I will sleep better, read a chapter out of one or two of my business books, and make up a tentative schedule for the next few days to get things done.

Have a good night!

Mapping out my improvement plan for the week...

I really need to see what help I can get.  I am still unmedicated and not in therapy.  I am also so tired.  This week, one of my priorities is to see what help I can get.  Another one is to continue looking for a job.  I have some social events planned, too.  I hope that I don't stretch myself too thin.

I am really emotional and it still seems like I am having a tough time with self-sabotage.  There seems to be a big disconnect between where I am and where I want to be.  Sometimes, I begin to think that maybe I can't attain my big dreams, but I can't entertain those thoughts.  I do have to take a look and see why I am not moving forward.

I finally got a paycheck!  It wasn't a lot, but it has definitely helped.  My brother loaned me about $200 which helped TREMENDOUSLY.  I didn't have to take out a payday loan after all.  (Plus I had some "complications" getting one.  I have GOT to work on my finances!)  There was a lot of drama with getting that check cashed but I was finally able to do it!

Brainstorming about what to accomplish this week:

*Medications

*Job hunting and applying

*Cleaning my apartment

*Refreshing myself/rest/rejuvenation

*Spending time with friends and family

*Start working on my business relaunch

*Contact creditors

*Pay bills

*Laundry

*Maybe a movie by myself

*Work on life vision (ideal life)

*Meanwhile plan

*Cook healthy meals

*Get distilled water for my CPAP

*Create a tentative spending plan

I am sleepwalking through my life and I have lost so much of it already.  I need to grab the bull by the horns and do what I can to steer my life the way I want it to go.  I know that I am always tired, so I need to take care of that because it affects pretty much everything else.  I also have to work on getting some meds back into my system.  My sister told me not to make things harder than they have to be and that is what I am doing by not taking advantage of the pharmaceutical help that is available to me.  I guess I will go and map out a plan to get these things done.

My back is (seemingly) against the wall

I am about to make a bad financial decision.  Yes, I am going in with my eyes wide open.  I am going to apply for a payday loan.

I already borrowed $30 from my brother.  I really don't want to take out any loans.  I really don't.  I just need more than what I think my family can/will give/loan, especially when I owe them already.    I hope that I can improve my financial situation soon.  

Down, down, down the rabbit hole...

After feeling forsaken by God and becoming angrier and angrier about it, I finally realized that this is a mess that I made.  I have to own it and take responsibility for it.  I was the one who turned a blind eye to my own downward spiral and refused to get help.  This led to a poor job performance which led to me having to quit my job.  I continued to spiral down by not even doing a half hearted attempt at job hunting.  I acted as if I had all the money in the world!  Finally, I woke up and saw how bad my situation was.  I was able to snag a job and I was so excited for a while.  Then I did a tentative budget and saw that somehow, I am supposed to dig out of this hole and get caught up.  That sent me on my latest spiral.  That and having to clean my apartment by tomorrow evening or face eviction yet again.

My emotions have been almost all over the place.  When I felt my sanest, I realized that I am anxious about my future and I need to focus on today.  I am also the queen of big ideas and maybe this time I just need to work small and consistently to get myself out of the hole.  I don't like how selfish, self-centered, and impatient I become when I am so wound up.  There are people with situations equal, worse, and far worse than mine.

There are several things that I need to do.  I need to get help so that I can become stable.  I think that I need to tell someone in my family about how bad things are.  I have really only confided in one friend and it is not fair to have her shoulder all the burden.  I need to see if I can find a higher paying job in the meantime.  A part time gig is also an option.  Eventually, I would like to have a business!  I also have to become better at self-care (hygiene, cleaning house, eating healthier and exercising).  I also need to call the places where I am behind and come up with a payment plan to get back on track.  I have to become better about scheduling.  Finally, I have to have faith that eventually things will be okay, even if I can't see my way through.  In fact, when you can't see your through is when faith is the hardest but needed the most.

A New Direction

I have decided to take this blog in a new direction.  I want to chronicle my journey from mess to success.

There are a lot of rags to riches stories out there and many of them are inspiring.  I believe that most are written "after the fact" - you know after the difficulty has been surmounted and is in the rear view mirror.  I think that it would be much more helpful to have a resource that is written while in the trenches.  That way the pain, uncertainty, and doubt are raw and present.  Maybe it is presumptuous of me to write this while my life is a shambles and I really can't see my way through yet.  I need at least $1000 to pay rent, car note, and car insurance, but all I have is about $10 to last me until Friday or Saturday.  My apartment looks like a landfill with all the trash and crap that needs to be thrown out and this is no exaggeration.  Oh yeah, I am still obese, probably around 260 lbs with bad skin and hair sprouting in places no woman should have hair.  

I am feeling kind of discouraged and very ashamed of my situation.  My sister, who is just about the opposite of me in every way, was telling me how she did some impromptu credit card counseling with a young woman.  My face burned with shame as she told me her advice to this girl, because I am essentially the financial cautionary tale.

I do think that I have a couple of things on my side, working in my favor.  What, pray tell, could those be, you may ask?  I am tired of my situation and I have faith that my situation can change if I am willing to put in the work.

I realize that I will have to become an entrepreneur or an independent contractor very quickly in order to make any real headway into turning the tide of my financial situation.  There are some things that I have looked up that require little in the way of overhead or investment.  There is one thing that I really want to do, that has been near and dear to my heart for years.  I just don't really know what to do.

I have a lot to get done in a very short amount of time.  I have to figure out a business and thoroughly clean an apartment that hasn't seen Windex, Clorox bleach, or a dust rag in many months.

It is time for prayer...

Dear God,

My life is a mess.  I have developed this propensity, this tendency to being self-destructive.  Because of this self-destructive streak, my finances and my apartment are a mess.  My weight is at or near its all-time high.  I have not been able to get traction in these areas of my life.

I pray that you would help me to overcome this awful streak and help me to win in life.  I pray that you would equip and enable me to rise above this mess and clearly guide me into victory and health.  Finally, I ask that You would help me to continually hunger and thirst after You.  After all, You are the game changer.  My situation looks impossible, but Jesus said that with God, all things are possible.  I don't see how I can meet all my obligations, but it is written that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Although my feelings haven't changed, I know that I have to decide whose report I am going to believe.  

Please come through for me quickly!

AMEN

Employment "Challenge"

I was talking to a friend today and I may have stumbled upon new insight regarding my coping skills.  Although I am optimistic about my future, I have many challenges to overcome.  My primary challenge right now is being/remaining employed.  I told my friend that there were signs that I was starting to go downhill but I chose not to look at them because I didn't want to believe that I was starting to falter.  Only when there was dysfunction that affected my employment did I start to open my eyes to my life not working.  I mean, I am living in a trash heap.  That should have been a big clue.  I also began missing deadlines and developing a sense of apathy.  It seems like working a 9 to 5 is challenging for me.  It requires consistency and emotional strength that is harder for me to sustain than it is for most others.  I don't have it all figured out yet, but I think this could lead to better recognition of a downward spiral before it hits too hard.

Pitiful or Powerful?

Wow!  It has almost been two years since I have posted anything here!

I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life.  I heard a woman say that you can  be pitiful or you can be powerful, but you can't be both.  I believe that I am stable enough to choose the powerful route.  I am tired of living small and limiting myself based on my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder.  I have to act on my (modified) dreams and make them a reality.  I am undertaking a Transformation Challenge.  (Nothing formal, I am making this up as I go along.)  I desire change in the following areas: faith, fitness, finances, relationships, and housekeeping.  I just realized that I can blog during my transformation!  That will help keep me accountable.  In future posts, I will break down the areas and give progress reports, at specific points in my journey.

It's good to be back!  Take care of yourself!