Down, down, down the rabbit hole...

After feeling forsaken by God and becoming angrier and angrier about it, I finally realized that this is a mess that I made.  I have to own it and take responsibility for it.  I was the one who turned a blind eye to my own downward spiral and refused to get help.  This led to a poor job performance which led to me having to quit my job.  I continued to spiral down by not even doing a half hearted attempt at job hunting.  I acted as if I had all the money in the world!  Finally, I woke up and saw how bad my situation was.  I was able to snag a job and I was so excited for a while.  Then I did a tentative budget and saw that somehow, I am supposed to dig out of this hole and get caught up.  That sent me on my latest spiral.  That and having to clean my apartment by tomorrow evening or face eviction yet again.

My emotions have been almost all over the place.  When I felt my sanest, I realized that I am anxious about my future and I need to focus on today.  I am also the queen of big ideas and maybe this time I just need to work small and consistently to get myself out of the hole.  I don't like how selfish, self-centered, and impatient I become when I am so wound up.  There are people with situations equal, worse, and far worse than mine.

There are several things that I need to do.  I need to get help so that I can become stable.  I think that I need to tell someone in my family about how bad things are.  I have really only confided in one friend and it is not fair to have her shoulder all the burden.  I need to see if I can find a higher paying job in the meantime.  A part time gig is also an option.  Eventually, I would like to have a business!  I also have to become better at self-care (hygiene, cleaning house, eating healthier and exercising).  I also need to call the places where I am behind and come up with a payment plan to get back on track.  I have to become better about scheduling.  Finally, I have to have faith that eventually things will be okay, even if I can't see my way through.  In fact, when you can't see your through is when faith is the hardest but needed the most.