Encouragement and Med Change

I read an encouraging piece last night. It is a passage from "The Depression Workbook" by Mary Ellen Copeland. She talked about her journey from deep depression to a self-sufficient and relatively healthy woman. She talked about how although it will probably be more difficult, those of us with mental illness can achieve our goals if we can maintain stability. That really struck me. I tend to think that I can't achieve my goals because of my illness. According to her, it is possible to achieve them as long as I take into account that it will probably be more difficult for me than for someone not dealing with an illness and I work on achieving and maintaining stability.

I switched from Risperdal to Abilify today. Hopefully, this change will be for the better. I am hoping for benefits without the bad side effects, especially sedation.

Trying to Find Stability

I have had a tough time lately. I have had other things to crop up that are difficult to deal with. I am trying to get myself stabilized. I went to Starbucks today to work on my goals and to try to deal with things. I realize that I need to work on gaining mental stability. I need to find a new therapist and tackle the stress in my life. Sometimes it seems like I have brain "noise" that makes it difficult to focus and concentrate. I really need to address that. When I see my doctor, I want to talk to him about going back on Abilify. I don't want to keep going up on the Risperdal. It makes me too sleepy and that means I don't get up in time to go to work. I don't remember being this drowsy on Abilify and I think that it worked at least as well as the Risperdal.

One of my mid-term goals is to work a permanent, full-time job. I really need to do this and I want to do it well. I so hope that it goes well for me. I want to do what I can now to get better and more stable so that I can work full-time and do it well.

I am going to look for some resources on coping skills and see how other people manage to support themselves while managing a mental illness. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

One of my sisters is in the hospital because she had a stroke yesterday. I am supposed to go with another sister to visit her today. I'm not ready to face it. I feel like I need some time before I go to visit her. I was feeling some low-grade anxiety about going to visit her but just articulating and writing about it has calmed me down some.

Feeling Discouraged Part II

Although I hate to admit it, I think that I am more discouraged than I thought that I was. My place is a mess-I haven't made any real attempts to clean it. It seems like all I want to do is lie in bed and let my mind wander. Sounds like depression! Today, I am planning to go to Starbucks, visit my father, and do a little exercise. That is way more than I have done in the past few days.

I am concerned about my ability to work a full time job. There is a job that I really want, but I wonder if I can manage it. Since I don't have the job (yet), I can continue to sub and see how that goes. If I can manage to sub most days a week, then I will take that as an indicator of my ability to work a full-time job. If I find that I am really having a difficult time subbing most days, then I will have to re-evaluate my plans.

Feeling Discouraged

I worked yesterday. Although the day wasn't a disaster, there were a few things that happened that discouraged me.

The good news is that the grogginess has diminished quite a bit, but some still remains. The grogginess made it a little difficult to function, and it didn't go away for hours. I was tired (because of my weight) and someone got a little snippy with me. I just felt like I never got myself together and it discouraged me. I went down the path of negative thinking. I was thinking that I would never be able to work full-time and take care of myself. The negative thinking carried over into today and I didn't get out of bed until about 2pm. I feel a little bit better now and I will just have to keep going.

Feeling Not Quite Right

Feeling a little bit...off. I noticed at my support group meeting tonight. I don't really feel depressed. It is kind of hard to describe the way that I feel. It feels like the psychosis might be trying to rear its ugly head. There is a sort of seriousness with it that feels like it is trying to edge out the good feelings that I was having. I just took my medicine and I am going to focus on feeling good, optimistic, and most importantly, a sense of reality.

Ringing in the New Year

Well, it's New Year's Eve. I will spend it alone yet again, but I am not really down about it. I have decided to put on some music and work on a vision board. A vision board is a collage of things that you want in your life. One image that I plan to put on my board is a woman holding a purse with thousands of dollars in it. I definitely want that in my life! The hardest part is going through magazines and finding pictures and phrases of those things that I want. I'll put on some music so that I will enjoy that part.

Although 2009 was difficult for me, I think that it ended better than it started. I hope that I can keep up the same positive momentum in 2010.

Happy New Year!