Sounds Like Depression

I need to sort out my feelings. I think that the depression has caught up with me and I am in denial. I had to go to a teacher's meeting today and I marvelled at how upbeat and energetic they all seemed. They really seem to enjoy their work while I struggle and had the worst class ever yesterday. I plan to quit. I am thinking about calling in tomorrow because I don't want to really do anything. I am way behind in my life. My place is a mess. I am a mess. I am starting to feel discouraged about the future. I feel like I need to take an extended break and get things together but when I have extended breaks I usually don't do much that is productive. What do I do? Where do I start?
I guess the first place to start is to do what I can to keep the depression from getting worse. This means that I need to examine my thoughts and beliefs. I watched Joel Osteen and he talked about speaking to our mountains (Your mountain is your problem). One of the mountains that he mentioned was depression! Depression, be thou removed and cast into the sea!

As I mentioned in my last post, I was feeling depression nipping at my heels. It was kind of rough for a couple of days, but I feel better today. I think a large part of the problem was my unknowingly taking too much sleep medicine. I would be drowsy for most of the day and it would be difficult to do most things. That in turn would have me feeling bad because I didn't really accomplish anything.
Today, I was able to get up at a decent time, get dressed and get out of the house. I felt more focused than I have in a while and I was able to do a good bit of reading and goal setting. That felt really good. I have to break my goals down into manageable pieces so that I can really get started on them. I am starting to believe that my life can improve as long as I do the work that is necessary to improve it! This is a far cry from what I used to believe. I used to believe that no matter what I did, my life would always suck, so what was the point of trying to improve it? I even believe that God will help me improve my life, especially since the things that I want aren't sinful. I used to believe that He was against me. When I believed that, I really didn't have hope for living.
I still have auditory hallucinations. I have to be careful with that, especially in conjunction with my spiritual life. I used to think that I was hearing God with some of the hallucinations. I don't want to go back there.

After a Looooooooooooong Break, I'm Back!

It doesn't feel like a lot has changed since I last submitted an entry. A few things are different though-I have a part-time job that is challenging for me and my relationship with God is better. I work hard to have a realistic relationship with God because I don't want to slide back into being hyper-religious. For a while, I didn't want to have any type of relationship with God, but I just couldn't turn away from Him altogether.
Something else that is different is that I finally have hope that things can change for the better. I know that when I feel better (depression is currently nipping at my heels and I am trying to outrun it) then I will do better and my life will improve.
It seems that the only thing that has really changed dramatically is that my outlook on life has changed. It is, however, a big change that affects pretty much every area of my life.

Trying to Get It Together

I have been pretty depressed lately. I was in the hospital for almost a month and I wrecked my car. Fortunately, I didn't have serious injuries when I wrecked my car, but I have been without a car for a week and I need a car where I live.

I have finally started to grieve for my friend. I tried to outrun it, but it always catches up to you in one way or another. In a way, it feels good to grieve.

I don't know which way to turn careerwise. One of my friends has been helping me out, but I don't know what to do.

I signed up for an online dating service. I have been chatting with one guy in particular. He is very complimentary and I really like that.

Feeling Depressed

I am feeling depressed. I have been feeling depressed for most of the week. I stay in bed and sleep most of the day. It feels like I will never get over this! There is so much that I want out of life; will I be able to achieve those things? I don't know. I hope so though. I start seeing a therapist next week. Maybe that will help.

The Life that I Want

I went to Starbucks yesterday to work on my goals. I found it difficult to concentrate and wrote some down, but they seem so far away. I talked to a friend about it and she suggested that I cut out some pictures that represent the things that I want in my life. She has done this herself with much success. I have already started but I never finished it. I guess I need to pick it back up.

Another thing that I am going to do is to list what I want my life to look like. I am not going to think about how hard I have to work in order to get that life! I am going to pretend while I am writing that it is effortless to get this life that I want.

So here it is! The life that I want includes the following (in these categories):

Physical: I would weigh about 100lbs less, my skin would look a lot better, I would be stylish and comfortable, I would be fit, healthy, and toned. I would sleep deeply and soundly and wake up feeling refreshed.

Spiritual: I would have a closer relationship with God. I would have a better and more consistent quiet time with God.

Household: I would have a neat, clean, and calming place to live.

Mental/Emotional Health: I would have peace of mind and clarity of thought. I would be confident in my abilities. I would be stable and responsible.

Financial: I would have a very well paying career where I excel. I would pay off my debts and have a significant amount in savings. I would be able to be self-sufficient and enjoy my career. I would be able to vacation regularly. I would be able to afford a small 2 or 3 bedroom house that I furnish nicely.

That is all that I can think of right now. I guess the next step is seeing how I can obtain these things in my life!

Lonely and Confused

I am feeling very lonely today. It feels like an ache all over my body and I feel very sad. I wish that I had more friends, especially locally. I think that I will get some dinner and watch a movie that I rented. I hope that I will feel better after doing something fun.

I also feel confused and overwhelmed. I let some things pile up again. In fact, I guess you could say the theme in my life at this time is clutter! My apartment is cluttered, my car is cluttered, and my mind is cluttered with things that I need to do and questions that I have about my future. I have a lot of decluttering to do. I think that I will start with my mind and try to get some of that clutter out of my head and onto paper. Besides, I can do my mind decluttering at Starbucks! After that, I have to attack my car, my apartment, and paperwork. Whew! That is a lot but I will see what I can get done.