The schizo part of the schizoaffective disorder acted up today. I was visiting with my father and sister, mostly with my sister, and I felt a little disconnected and distant. I also found it a little difficult to be around her. I think that the SA amplifies those feelings. I feel like she is everything that I am not. She is pretty, thin, well-to-do, and happily married. She is stable and good at her job. She puts herself together well and has a nice social circle. Just listing these differences is depressing me.
I find it easier to be by myself, even though I do get lonely sometimes.
I wonder about how this will affect me when I start working again. I see that it will be better for me to have some work where I can be by myself for at least part of the time.
Sometimes I find it hard to make judgments, especially when I have strong thoughts that suggest that I should do something or not do something. I just experienced that a short time ago. I told my doctor that I was having hallucinations and he increased my medication, but he also told me that I could go up 0.5mg if I felt the need. I think that I feel the need.
I normally take my medicine at 10pm but I took it at 8pm tonight. Why so early? I haven't been fully waking up until around noon or later lately. That has been a huge reason that I haven't been working. I hope that by taking it early I can get up early.
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Don't worry. When you have a job to go to, you will get up early. I remember once I was very depressed. I was lying in bed the whole day. For about 2 months. I was on a sick leave. Then I said to my psychiatrist: "Please send me back to work." She did. I had no problem getting up at 6 am. I knew I had to go to work. Of course when I came back from work I went straight to bed and stayed there, but it was a start. At least I got up early and went to work.
ReplyDeleteI used to compare myself with healthy people. That sucks really. I stopped doing it. It takes time to get out of the habit of comparing yourself with others though - years actually.
Helen