Fighting Depression

I am fighting to be hopeful. I am extremely stressed about money and obtaining work. I am in the hole big time. I owe so many people. I hope that I can pay them back quickly.

I am starting to apply for tutoring positions. I have to take certification quizzes and I need to review for those. I certainly hope that I pass. I also have an interest meeting and interview coming up Tuesday. Tuesday night's event is far and at night. I am planning to go for a trial run Saturday morning when there isn't as much traffic and there is plenty of daylight. I hope that it doesn't rain.

Applying to jobs helps some with my stress because I am doing something about my issues. I feel disappointment try to creep in when there aren't any phone calls and I haven't heard back from the one interview that I had. I just have to have faith and hold on to the hope that my job is out there!

Speaking of jobs, I have finally started subbing again. I decided that I will work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Tuesday and Thursday are for catching up on errands, groups, and job hunting. I feel really good about my schedule. I think that it is very doable for me.

My doctor increased one of my medications. I know that I need to increase the dosage but it is difficult to deal with the drowsiness that lasts for a while until I get used to it.

I am so wound up about my financial and job situation right now! I hope that something changes soon and for the better!

Not Able to Sleep

I am so wired! I can't sleep. I took my medicine but it hasn't kicked in yet. I am actually excited like something good is going to happen this week. I sure hope that is true. I guess I will find out if it is, God willing!

All About the Benjamins!

While I was driving today, I realized something. I am tired of being poor. I think that I am at the point where I am so tired of it, that I will actually do something about it. I have done something about it already. I applied to four jobs this week!

I think that I will have to ask my estranged husband for money again. I really thought that the last time I asked him for money was going to be the last time, at least for a while. I have gotten behind on my rent again! I also got a ticket for running a red light. There are other expenses that need to be paid as well.

My financial state is my biggest stress right now. I hope that things will turnaround really quickly. I want to be able to be self-sufficient.

Feeling Blue Part II

As I posted earlier tonight, I feel blue. I feel lonely, but I really don't want to be around anyone or even talk to anyone. I am starting to be discouraged again about my present state (lonely, fat, not attractive, not particularly good at anything, kind of a failure, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay behind financially, just stuck and not really able to do anything, not really employed). I haven't heard anything about a job and I think that has me down too. There are a lot of things that I need to do and want to do, but I just don't have the money right now. I feel like my life is on hold and that is a hard place to be.

I would like to become attractive. Feeling unattractive really impacts my self-esteem. I would like to clear up my skin, get my teeth fixed, lose weight, get rid of unwanted hair, and style the hair that I want to keep! Any one of these would help me to feel better but to do all of them? I would be on top of the world!

As far as a job goes, I really want to have my own business. I read about a woman in Canada with SA who has her own business. It was really inspiring. I really hope that I can do that, too. First, though, I have to get a job! My credit is shot, so I will have to fund everything myself. I hope that I will be successful.

I feel a little bit better, a little bit more hopeful after writing about my desires. When I feel really good, I might blog about how I can help others.

Feeling Blue

I stayed home and cooked today. One dish is still in the crock-pot cooking. The other dish was mediocre. The last few dishes that I have cooked haven't turned out well. It's pretty frustrating. I hope that the crock-pot dish turns out well.

I am feeling kind of blue today. I think that it stems from loneliness. I thought that I was getting along pretty well with one of the support groups but that doesn't seem to be the case. It bums me out. I also got a ticket in the mail for running a red light. I just seem to be sliding into the dumps.

Symptoms and Medication

The schizo part of the schizoaffective disorder acted up today. I was visiting with my father and sister, mostly with my sister, and I felt a little disconnected and distant. I also found it a little difficult to be around her. I think that the SA amplifies those feelings. I feel like she is everything that I am not. She is pretty, thin, well-to-do, and happily married. She is stable and good at her job. She puts herself together well and has a nice social circle. Just listing these differences is depressing me.

I find it easier to be by myself, even though I do get lonely sometimes.

I wonder about how this will affect me when I start working again. I see that it will be better for me to have some work where I can be by myself for at least part of the time.

Sometimes I find it hard to make judgments, especially when I have strong thoughts that suggest that I should do something or not do something. I just experienced that a short time ago. I told my doctor that I was having hallucinations and he increased my medication, but he also told me that I could go up 0.5mg if I felt the need. I think that I feel the need.

I normally take my medicine at 10pm but I took it at 8pm tonight. Why so early? I haven't been fully waking up until around noon or later lately. That has been a huge reason that I haven't been working. I hope that by taking it early I can get up early.

Clean Kitchen=Healthy Eating

I didn't work today, but I accomplished something major (at least for me!): I washed dishes, cleaned the kitchen a little, and cooked!

I also realize that in order for me to be compliant with eating healthy, I have to keep the kitchen clean and in order. This is a revelation for me. Hopefully this revelation will help me to keep a clean kitchen when I am inclined to do otherwise. This principle has worked for me before with my meds. I keep a bottle of water and my pillbox next to my bed. Both of those have really helped with my compliance. I will let you know how it works!