Internal Shifting

It was amplified by a picture...

My sister posted a picture of herself online and it is really pretty.  She is pretty anyway and the photographer was excellent.  It made me want to be pretty.  

I have a long way to go to become attractive.  I would like to start on that road, so that 6 months from now, I will have made significant improvement.

There is a lot that is going on internally.  I am in emotional pain right now.  Some of it has to do with my physical appearance.  Some of it I referred to in a previous post that is poetically titled "My Friends and Family Kinda Suck".  I think that I need to :"purge" some of my friends/associates.  There are some people in my contact list who rarely, if ever, initiate contact with me.  Actually, there are quitte a few of them.  I need to let them go to free up space for those who will actually reach out to me from time to time.  It will be kinda difficult, but I know that ultimately, it will pay off.  Part of my problem is that I have been expecting too much from people and I have to lower my expectations.  It seems that most people are pretty self-involved.  I know that I can be too!  I have to create some loving distance and redirect time and energy that had been spent on others on God and myself.  Maybe God is pruning my relationships and helping me to see that He is my main support, although we do need support from others.

Instead, I choose to focus on my relationship with God and improving that.  I also choose to focus on the positive internal and external changes that are going on in my life.  I am learning how to still myself and calm down.  When I do that, I am able to be a lot more productive too.  I feel more peaceful and it is a great feeling.  It seems like God is increasing my confidence and abilities, because I have finally started to believe in His ability!  I believe that He is paving the way for me to obtain some long-desired things.  I think that I have to really begin to speak more about what I want than about the pain in my life.

Purpose

I saw a movie today that is based on a true story.  It chronicled the life of a man who eventually became a butler at the White House and served under 8 presidents (I think).  I cried throughout the movie, but it did have some funny and touching moments.  The director compared and contrasted his life and struggles with the struggles of the US and they intersected quite a bit.

So many emotions came over me during the movie.  I almost feel like a raw, open nerve that feels pain most acutely and the protagonist endured a lot of pain.  A lot of the movie took place during the civil rights movement and the apartheid era.  So much suffering and pain endured.  It made me realize that I am soft, spoiled, and acting entitled.  For a long time, I just wanted to live a regular life and be happy.  Now, I wonder if I could be happy living a regular, normal life.  I wonder if the life that I am called to live is to basically sacrifice myself for the good of others.  I know that I have been thinking about my legacy lately.  I know that I want people to be better off for having known me.

I feel like a struggle is taking place in my soul.  My desire for a "safe" life vs my purpose to make a huge positive impact on others.

Dealing with Negative Feelings

It is Friday night and I am at Starbucks by myself.  I have been making an effort to start the weekend with quiet time.  Tonight, I listened to some music and surfed the web.  Eventually, I began looking for resources for self-esteem and confidence.  Just looking for the resources has brought some repressed feelings to the surface...

It began one morning this week, between the hours of 1am - 3am.  I was enjoying a magazine.  I used to read tons of magazines just a few years ago, and I really enjoyed them.  It was a great way for me to get engrossed in something other than my brain.  I haven't enjoyed reading a magazine like that in some time and it was really refreshing.  One article that I read made me burst into tears because I connected so strongly to it.  When the writer talked about the compassion and encouragement that her mentor gave her after confronting her about her drinking problem, I eventually realized that I am STARVING for encouragement.  I just now realized that I cried because even though she messed up, her mentor loved her still.  I have been afraid, since I was a kid, to show my real self, especially my weaknesses.  If someone saw how much I messed up, they wouldn't love me anymore.  I eventually believed that God was the same way and it totally hindered my relationship (my ability to have a relationship) with Him.  How wonderful to have someone love you back to wholeness!

I feel like God is whispering to me that I need to feel better about myself.  This is the key to my life improving...

I need to start having fun.  I don't do anything for fun anymore.

Tonight, I realized that I am scared, anxious, and verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry frustrated about my current life situation.  I need to pour my heart out because I am constantly on edge and not relaxing well.  How can I improve things starting right now?

Financial Challenge-Ugh!

I had a really good morning.  I ended up going to get a bagel before work.  I did some planning, praying, and reading.  I definitely enjoyed the quiet time that I had before work.  Work was pretty good until I went too long without a break.  I went out to lunch and when I came back, the receptionist had a message from me. It was a bill collector.  I was embarrassed, but mostly it felt like the wind left my sails.  I got another call from the same company, and ultimately made arrangements to begin paying them back.  It took its toll on me emotionally.  I dragged the rest of my shift, and didn't do most of the things that I needed to do.  I was physically tired, too.  It was being confronted about my financial resources that was emotionally draining.  I picked up some dinner and ended up crying in the parking lot.

I think that I need to just lick my wounds, and allow this to become a motivator for me to increase my income significantly.  I got rid of my Sunday errands for the next two weekends so that I can focus on improving my entire situation.  I have got to create some positive momentum and accomplish some tasks. Tonight, however, I am tired, so I think that I will just rest and relax.

Confession and Positive Impact

I was on the phone for quite a while yesterday.  I talked to my friend H.  We had a great conversation.  She has been dealing with some anxiety and I was really concerned about that.  I told her about how God really worked things out for me and she seemed to be encouraged by that.  I talked to my bestie, but I wish I had just let the call go through.  Ugh.  I talked to one of my sisters for a long time.  I had not talked to her in a long time, but we had a really good conversation.  She suggested that I look at a minister named Bill Winston because he talks about the importance of having a positive confession.

I watched part of a video this morning about the law of confession.  Really interesting stuff!  The take away that I got from the message (or at least the part that I heard!) was that you say what is in your heart, which is what you really believe.  That is what tends to come to pass.

I have been thinking about my life and how I want to make a positive impact on people.  This was important to me even when I was a teen, maybe even when I was younger. I got sidetracked for a loooooooooooooooooong time because of depression.  Now I want my life to count in a good way again.  I want people to be better off because they were impacted by something that I said, did, or wrote.

Gratitude for a Positive Attitude

I was reading my devotional Jesus Calling this morning.  Today's post is about gratitude, so I have decided to blog about a few of the things that I am grateful for.

Yesterday was a long day.  I got to work around 8:30am and didn't leave until about 7:05pm.  I was not physically tired or emotionally drained!  That alone is something to shout about!  In the past, I could only work about 4 hours/day and would need to go home shortly after to rest/sleep to be more alert when my husband came home!

My supervisor gave me a really neat compliment.  She told me that I remind her of one of her friends.  She went on to say that her friend was really smart, but unpretentious and funny.  That made me feel really good, because she made her friend sound really awesome!  lol

My co-workers helped me with my work because I had a lot to do yesterday.  Most of the people that I work with are really great, and I like them a lot.  We do get things done, but we usually have a great time doing it.  There is one guy there that cracks me up!  I can be grouchy and in a really foul mood, but he can say one thing and have me laughing and that will turn my mood around instantly.

The company is growing and many times it can be hard to get access to a computer.  One of the rooms with 3 computers was open most of the day, and I was able to camp out in there and get much of what I needed done on the computer!  Not only that, I was able to access the computer with speakers and listen to some great (in my opinion) music.  It really helped to listen to that music.

I had a lot of running around after work and didn't get home until around 10:30pm.  I still wasn't tired!  I logged onto my computer and worked on a job application!  Although I didn't finish it in time to submit before the deadline, I still consider it progress because I have a complete application on file for another position that I plan to apply for, and I finally updated my resume.  I finally completed some actions regarding job hunting!!!!

I went to sleep around 12:30am and was awakened gently around 4:45am.  I don't feel groggy or anything like that.  I have some errands to run before work, so I will sign off soon.

I am just amazed at the wonderful things that God blessed me with yesterday!  I hope that today is just as great or even better!

Reporting to Spiritual Boot Camp

It is about 2:30am here.  My sleep schedule is thrown off, but I don't mind.  I like the quiet and darkness of the early, early morning.

After my last post yesterday, I was up until about 4am.  I rested for about 1 hour and then I got up and went to work.  I got sleepy when I had to do computer work (okay, I fell asleep-and lightly snored!  Oops!), but overall, the day went really well.  I wasn't dragging, I got a decent bit accomplished, and my mood was good!  It felt like God and I had an encounter last night and He enabled me to have a really good day on very little sleep.

I think that God is calling me to Himself.  It seems like anytime I try to get some support from someone, they start to disappear.  I remember when I was in college, He did the same thing.  I didn't realize what was happening though and I didn't surrender to it.  This time, I think that I know what is going on.  It is still painful and difficult, but this time I know that I need to follow through.  Maybe He is equipping me for something significant.

This might be a time of solitude that might lead to a transformation.  Maybe I will eventually live up to my potential.  For so long, I have sold myself short because of depression and not being successful.  I believe that as long as I trust God, and consistently co-labor with Him, He will enable me to be victorious, in spite of the fact that I have been camped out in the land of defeat for many, many years.  This new life may not be easy, but I believe that it will be good.

Right now, I am listening to some music and will probably have some quiet time with God before beginning some work on my life plan.