Trying to Get It Together

I have been pretty depressed lately. I was in the hospital for almost a month and I wrecked my car. Fortunately, I didn't have serious injuries when I wrecked my car, but I have been without a car for a week and I need a car where I live.

I have finally started to grieve for my friend. I tried to outrun it, but it always catches up to you in one way or another. In a way, it feels good to grieve.

I don't know which way to turn careerwise. One of my friends has been helping me out, but I don't know what to do.

I signed up for an online dating service. I have been chatting with one guy in particular. He is very complimentary and I really like that.

Feeling Depressed

I am feeling depressed. I have been feeling depressed for most of the week. I stay in bed and sleep most of the day. It feels like I will never get over this! There is so much that I want out of life; will I be able to achieve those things? I don't know. I hope so though. I start seeing a therapist next week. Maybe that will help.

The Life that I Want

I went to Starbucks yesterday to work on my goals. I found it difficult to concentrate and wrote some down, but they seem so far away. I talked to a friend about it and she suggested that I cut out some pictures that represent the things that I want in my life. She has done this herself with much success. I have already started but I never finished it. I guess I need to pick it back up.

Another thing that I am going to do is to list what I want my life to look like. I am not going to think about how hard I have to work in order to get that life! I am going to pretend while I am writing that it is effortless to get this life that I want.

So here it is! The life that I want includes the following (in these categories):

Physical: I would weigh about 100lbs less, my skin would look a lot better, I would be stylish and comfortable, I would be fit, healthy, and toned. I would sleep deeply and soundly and wake up feeling refreshed.

Spiritual: I would have a closer relationship with God. I would have a better and more consistent quiet time with God.

Household: I would have a neat, clean, and calming place to live.

Mental/Emotional Health: I would have peace of mind and clarity of thought. I would be confident in my abilities. I would be stable and responsible.

Financial: I would have a very well paying career where I excel. I would pay off my debts and have a significant amount in savings. I would be able to be self-sufficient and enjoy my career. I would be able to vacation regularly. I would be able to afford a small 2 or 3 bedroom house that I furnish nicely.

That is all that I can think of right now. I guess the next step is seeing how I can obtain these things in my life!

Lonely and Confused

I am feeling very lonely today. It feels like an ache all over my body and I feel very sad. I wish that I had more friends, especially locally. I think that I will get some dinner and watch a movie that I rented. I hope that I will feel better after doing something fun.

I also feel confused and overwhelmed. I let some things pile up again. In fact, I guess you could say the theme in my life at this time is clutter! My apartment is cluttered, my car is cluttered, and my mind is cluttered with things that I need to do and questions that I have about my future. I have a lot of decluttering to do. I think that I will start with my mind and try to get some of that clutter out of my head and onto paper. Besides, I can do my mind decluttering at Starbucks! After that, I have to attack my car, my apartment, and paperwork. Whew! That is a lot but I will see what I can get done.

Bad News, Good News

A lot has happened since I last blogged. A dear friend and loved one passed away. She was a huge support for me. She knew about my diagnosis and wasn't freaked out by it or me. We talked almost everyday, usually about nothing. I am in shock and some denial. I think about her often and I dream about her. In my dream I am so happy that she is not dead but I slowly realize that she has died as the dream progresses. I am starting to feel that void as more time passes. I have asked God why she had to die, why did she have to leave?

On a happier note, I have started to tutor! I have been working 4 days a week. It is an adjustment after not working but things are going pretty well. I am tired though. I really need to improve my overall health so that I can have more energy.

I am pretty tired right now, so I think that I will sign off right here. Good night!

Encouragement and Med Change

I read an encouraging piece last night. It is a passage from "The Depression Workbook" by Mary Ellen Copeland. She talked about her journey from deep depression to a self-sufficient and relatively healthy woman. She talked about how although it will probably be more difficult, those of us with mental illness can achieve our goals if we can maintain stability. That really struck me. I tend to think that I can't achieve my goals because of my illness. According to her, it is possible to achieve them as long as I take into account that it will probably be more difficult for me than for someone not dealing with an illness and I work on achieving and maintaining stability.

I switched from Risperdal to Abilify today. Hopefully, this change will be for the better. I am hoping for benefits without the bad side effects, especially sedation.

Trying to Find Stability

I have had a tough time lately. I have had other things to crop up that are difficult to deal with. I am trying to get myself stabilized. I went to Starbucks today to work on my goals and to try to deal with things. I realize that I need to work on gaining mental stability. I need to find a new therapist and tackle the stress in my life. Sometimes it seems like I have brain "noise" that makes it difficult to focus and concentrate. I really need to address that. When I see my doctor, I want to talk to him about going back on Abilify. I don't want to keep going up on the Risperdal. It makes me too sleepy and that means I don't get up in time to go to work. I don't remember being this drowsy on Abilify and I think that it worked at least as well as the Risperdal.

One of my mid-term goals is to work a permanent, full-time job. I really need to do this and I want to do it well. I so hope that it goes well for me. I want to do what I can now to get better and more stable so that I can work full-time and do it well.

I am going to look for some resources on coping skills and see how other people manage to support themselves while managing a mental illness. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!