As I mentioned in my last post, I was feeling depression nipping at my heels. It was kind of rough for a couple of days, but I feel better today. I think a large part of the problem was my unknowingly taking too much sleep medicine. I would be drowsy for most of the day and it would be difficult to do most things. That in turn would have me feeling bad because I didn't really accomplish anything.
Today, I was able to get up at a decent time, get dressed and get out of the house. I felt more focused than I have in a while and I was able to do a good bit of reading and goal setting. That felt really good. I have to break my goals down into manageable pieces so that I can really get started on them. I am starting to believe that my life can improve as long as I do the work that is necessary to improve it! This is a far cry from what I used to believe. I used to believe that no matter what I did, my life would always suck, so what was the point of trying to improve it? I even believe that God will help me improve my life, especially since the things that I want aren't sinful. I used to believe that He was against me. When I believed that, I really didn't have hope for living.
I still have auditory hallucinations. I have to be careful with that, especially in conjunction with my spiritual life. I used to think that I was hearing God with some of the hallucinations. I don't want to go back there.

After a Looooooooooooong Break, I'm Back!

It doesn't feel like a lot has changed since I last submitted an entry. A few things are different though-I have a part-time job that is challenging for me and my relationship with God is better. I work hard to have a realistic relationship with God because I don't want to slide back into being hyper-religious. For a while, I didn't want to have any type of relationship with God, but I just couldn't turn away from Him altogether.
Something else that is different is that I finally have hope that things can change for the better. I know that when I feel better (depression is currently nipping at my heels and I am trying to outrun it) then I will do better and my life will improve.
It seems that the only thing that has really changed dramatically is that my outlook on life has changed. It is, however, a big change that affects pretty much every area of my life.

Trying to Get It Together

I have been pretty depressed lately. I was in the hospital for almost a month and I wrecked my car. Fortunately, I didn't have serious injuries when I wrecked my car, but I have been without a car for a week and I need a car where I live.

I have finally started to grieve for my friend. I tried to outrun it, but it always catches up to you in one way or another. In a way, it feels good to grieve.

I don't know which way to turn careerwise. One of my friends has been helping me out, but I don't know what to do.

I signed up for an online dating service. I have been chatting with one guy in particular. He is very complimentary and I really like that.

Feeling Depressed

I am feeling depressed. I have been feeling depressed for most of the week. I stay in bed and sleep most of the day. It feels like I will never get over this! There is so much that I want out of life; will I be able to achieve those things? I don't know. I hope so though. I start seeing a therapist next week. Maybe that will help.

The Life that I Want

I went to Starbucks yesterday to work on my goals. I found it difficult to concentrate and wrote some down, but they seem so far away. I talked to a friend about it and she suggested that I cut out some pictures that represent the things that I want in my life. She has done this herself with much success. I have already started but I never finished it. I guess I need to pick it back up.

Another thing that I am going to do is to list what I want my life to look like. I am not going to think about how hard I have to work in order to get that life! I am going to pretend while I am writing that it is effortless to get this life that I want.

So here it is! The life that I want includes the following (in these categories):

Physical: I would weigh about 100lbs less, my skin would look a lot better, I would be stylish and comfortable, I would be fit, healthy, and toned. I would sleep deeply and soundly and wake up feeling refreshed.

Spiritual: I would have a closer relationship with God. I would have a better and more consistent quiet time with God.

Household: I would have a neat, clean, and calming place to live.

Mental/Emotional Health: I would have peace of mind and clarity of thought. I would be confident in my abilities. I would be stable and responsible.

Financial: I would have a very well paying career where I excel. I would pay off my debts and have a significant amount in savings. I would be able to be self-sufficient and enjoy my career. I would be able to vacation regularly. I would be able to afford a small 2 or 3 bedroom house that I furnish nicely.

That is all that I can think of right now. I guess the next step is seeing how I can obtain these things in my life!

Lonely and Confused

I am feeling very lonely today. It feels like an ache all over my body and I feel very sad. I wish that I had more friends, especially locally. I think that I will get some dinner and watch a movie that I rented. I hope that I will feel better after doing something fun.

I also feel confused and overwhelmed. I let some things pile up again. In fact, I guess you could say the theme in my life at this time is clutter! My apartment is cluttered, my car is cluttered, and my mind is cluttered with things that I need to do and questions that I have about my future. I have a lot of decluttering to do. I think that I will start with my mind and try to get some of that clutter out of my head and onto paper. Besides, I can do my mind decluttering at Starbucks! After that, I have to attack my car, my apartment, and paperwork. Whew! That is a lot but I will see what I can get done.

Bad News, Good News

A lot has happened since I last blogged. A dear friend and loved one passed away. She was a huge support for me. She knew about my diagnosis and wasn't freaked out by it or me. We talked almost everyday, usually about nothing. I am in shock and some denial. I think about her often and I dream about her. In my dream I am so happy that she is not dead but I slowly realize that she has died as the dream progresses. I am starting to feel that void as more time passes. I have asked God why she had to die, why did she have to leave?

On a happier note, I have started to tutor! I have been working 4 days a week. It is an adjustment after not working but things are going pretty well. I am tired though. I really need to improve my overall health so that I can have more energy.

I am pretty tired right now, so I think that I will sign off right here. Good night!